No More Trimming Irish Guard’s Bearskin Hats–Switch To Faux Fur

article-1379261-0BB9212500000578-539_634x372Soldier magazine reports that the English Army, bowing to increasing pressure from Animal Rights Activists and the exhorbitantly expensive costs of trimming and maintenance,  has announced that bearskin helmets worn by the Irish guards while on duty at Buckingham Palace will be phased out in favor the more politically correct and less costly synthetic “faux” bearskin hats.

“The hats are extremely expensive to initially procure,” explained Major Arthur Ursa.  “And it’s a little-known fact that the hair on bearskin keeps growing and needs to be regularly trimmed–a tedious, time-consuming, and difficult process.”

C_71_article_1015253_image_list_image_list_item_0_image-462505Ursa explained that the switch to faux fur not only will save “a shilling from every tax-paying household in Britain, money we can put to better use on ammunition and domestic surveillance,” but will ease the burden of poor public relations generated by continual protests by anti-fur activists who appear at British Embassies around the globe.  The protestors distract government employees, create a security risk, and cause strife with local authorities whenever they appear.

peta-hat_1683378cAs incredible as it sounds, scientists have confirmed this hair-raising fact about the bearskins. The skins retain an original hormone, often for a decade or more, causing follicles to “live” long after the animal has been skinned. Scientists call it otiose and it is hoped it can be put to use in medical research — especially into baldness.

“Bears hibernate in the winter and the amazing thing is that in the spring the skins really start to sprout.” Ursa explained.  “We have a specially trained platoon of barbers who labor round the clock from March well into June.”

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About JunkChuck

Native, Militant Westsylvanian (the first last best place), laborer, gardener, and literary hobbyist (if by literary you mean "hack"). I've had a bunch of different blogs, probably four, due to a recurring compulsion to start over. This incarnation owes to a desire to dredge up the best entries of the worst little book of hand-scrawled poems I could ever dream of writing, salvageable excerpts from fiction both in progress and long-abandoned. and a smattering of whatever the hell seems to fit at any particular moment. At first blush, I was here just to focus on old, terrible verse, but I reserve the right to include...anything. Maybe everything, certainly my love of pulp novels growing garlic, the Pittsburgh Steelers and howling at the moon--both figuratively and, on rare occasions, literally.
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One Response to No More Trimming Irish Guard’s Bearskin Hats–Switch To Faux Fur

  1. Ishaiya says:

    Thank you for the belly laugh, just what I needed. 🙂

    Like

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