Some deviant behavior I want to get off my chest:
1. Beyond the somewhat vague categories of “Ycchhh” and “Hey, That’s Not Horrible,” I cannot tell one glass of wine from another. Oh, I can give you “citrus” or “sweet” or “burns the shit out of my uvula” but if I’m coming to your house for dinner you might as well break out the $5 bottle of port. I won’t know the difference.
2. I have never watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Not one.
3. I pee outdoors whenever I can get away with it, and it makes me feel manly. Really damn manly.
5. Speaking of Kraft Cheese In A Can–which, it seems, is actually called “Easy Cheese”–I could eat that crap ALL DAY, probably on knock-off “Club Crackers” from ALDI ($1.49). But I don’t, because I’m too ashamed to buy it.
6. I don’t understand how to make my cell phone take photographs, which is probably okay since I wouldn’t know how to look at them if i did.
7. I’m 47 years old and I still, at every meal, sneak the dog some food under the table. She’s old. We love each other–it’s the least I can do.
8. If you park your car in front of my house and leave it there all weekend I am absolutely going to mow my grass and blow the trimmings all over your fancy rims. Also, see #3 above–nothing says I have to do this in the back yard. Or on the ground.
10. I’m not really trying to curse less–I’m just behaving myself in front of you because I know you’ll be judgmental about it and I’m resisting the urge to say something really, really horrible just so I can loll around in your outrage like the proverbial pig in shit.