The Homecoming Queen’s Got A Gun

The coming weekend will mark Homecoming celebrations in our community–a football game, the crowning of a king and queen, corsages and whatever those guy-corsage things that get pinned to lapels are called, kids dressing up and dancing and memories of –good god, it’s 30 years. Ugh. I wore a wool sweater under a brown wool herringbone jacket because I thought it would be better than a tie, and I nearly died from overheating.

Those memories–really the only details I can recall from that night–bring to mind an old Julie Brown comedy song called “The Homecoming Queen’s Got A Gun”–a tale of a possibly PMS-ridden beauty turned sniper that was hilarious in 1984, when the idea of a kid taking a gun to school and rampaging was so absurd it was funny–not the least because it was a parody of the teen-angst songs our parents listened to.

It ain’t so funny now, and that’s a real shame.  I know how each generation thinks that things started going all to hell the moment they “age out” of a stage in life, but us Gen X’ers are truly living the dream–we’re the ones.  Who would have thought, when Coupland wrote his book, that it was the pinnacle?

You know you’re old when you can look at such a huge cultural change and think of one’s youth as “simpler times” when all we had to worry about was Reaganomics and the hovering threat of impending worldwide thermonuclear war. Sigh.

 

It was Homecoming Night at my high school
Everyone was there, it was totally cool
I was real excited, I almost wet my jeans
‘Cause my best friend Debbie was Homecoming Queen
She looked so pretty in pink chiffon. (Chiffon)
Riding the float with her tiara on. (Tiara on)
Holding this humongous bouquet in her hand. (Bouquet)
She looked straight out of Disneyland!
You know that Cinderella ride
I mean definitely an E-ticket. (E-ticket)
The crowd was cheering, everyone was stoked
I mean it was like the whole school was totally coked or something.
The band was playing ‘Evergreen’
Then all of a sudden, somebody screamed:
Look out! The Homecoming Queen’s got a GUN!!!

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen’s got a gun!
Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen has got a gun!
Debbie’s smiling, and waving her gun
Picking off cheerleaders one by one
Oh! Buffy’s pom poms just blew to bits
Oh no, Misty’s head just did the splits!
My best friend is on a shooting spree
Stop it, Debbie, you’re embarrassing me!
How could you do what you just did
Are you having a really bad period?

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen’s got a gun!
Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen has got a gun!
Stop it, Debbie, you’re making a mess
Powder burns all over your dress
An hour later, ,the cops had arrived
By then the entire glee club had died – no big loss
You wouldn’t believe what they brought to stop
Tear gas, machine guns… even a chopper!
Throw down your gun and tiara and come out of that float!
Debbie didn’t listen to what the cop said,
She aimed and fired, and now the math teacher’s dead!
Oh, it’s really sad, but kinda of a relief,
I mean we had this big test coming up next week…

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen’s got a gun!
Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen has got a gun!
Debbie’s really having a blast!
She’s wasted half of the class!
The cops fired a warning shot and she dove off that float.
I tried to scream Duck! but it stuck in my throat.
She hit the ground and did a flip; it was real acrobatic.
But I was crying so hard, I couldn’t work my Instamatic.
I ran down to Debbie, I had to find out.
What made her do it, why’d she freak out?
I saw the bullet had got her right in the ear.
I knew then… the end was near.

So I ran down and said in her good ear.
Debbie, why’d you do it?
She raised her head and smiled and said.
I did it for Johnny.
Johnny, well like whose Johnny? Answer me Debbie whose Johnny.
Does anybody here named Johnny?
Are you Johnny? There was one guy named Johnny.
But he was a total geek. He always had food in his braces.
Answer me Debbie whose Johnny.
Oh God this is like that movie Citizen King
You know where you later find out Rosemary was a slut
But we’ll never know who Johnny is because like she’s dead

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen’s got a gun!
Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen has got a
Everybody run
Everybody run the Homecoming Queen’s got a”