Sometimes I can’t settle on anything I want to sit down and write about, but I need to write about something. After putting in several hours with a pole saw pruning apple trees with my daughters, I’m bushed–my back is killing me, so the desk is where I need to be. Now, like Forrest Gump’s Mama used to say, stupid is as stupid does–so call me stupid–but when you see the Angry Zeus head, you’ll know it’s rant time. Why an angry god? Because: hubris. And irony. Mostly hubris, though.
I learn about the world through a news aggregator, which insists on giving me links to entertainment, business, cultural and technological news I could not give even a single shit about–so of course I’m going to start responding to them. The more insipid the better, but I’m not really selective. Even something moderately banal is worthy of my wrath.
It is little wonder people don’t want to be around me.
Post-rant research reveals I actually–and unintentionally–scored a two-fer, with two annoying headlines that are actually united by a common theme. Now, one final demand: while you’re busy thinking what a petty dick I’m being, ask yourself when was the last time you heard a news story about the ongoing war against ISIL in Iraq and Syria which, just a few weeks ago, was the most important story ever? Well, they’re still going at it over there, but we’re busy reading this drivel:
1. Scott Eastwood says he was ‘completely naked’ shooting ‘Longest Ride’ sex scene.
—Who the hell is Scott Eastwood? What the hell is “Longest Ride”? And who the hell cares about either? But wait–actors naked! No way! Can I see, because I’ve never heard of an actor being naked before?
2. Is Nicholas Sparks Ruining Romantic Movies?*
—I’ve only ever seen the book covers, but if they’re any indication, then yes. Hey, wait a minute–this headline was right beside #1…and yep! “Longest Ride” is the latest steaming pile of “chick flick” shit served up by Hollywood big shots and Nicholas Sparks, who was named as Man of the Year by the North American Maple Flavored Corn ByProduct Growers Association for his record production of sticky, sickeningly sweet syrup.