Heroic Serial Killer Dexter Morgan dueled against his evil nemesis The Ice Truck Killer in Jeff Lindsay’s enjoyable novel about a good-guy psychopath, but even Lindsay never imagined a perpetrator as twisted as Uniontown, Pennsylvania’s Ice Cream Truck Robber.
The headline, seemingly custom-made for blogging mockery, is priceless:
WOMAN ARRESTED FOR ROBBING UNIONTOWN ICE CREAM TRUCK
Police: Suspect Used Purple Gun
You can’t make this stuff up. The Purple Gun detail clinches it, but I also admire the sarcastic victim, Franklin Swainy, in the interview.
“It was ‘Gimme the effin’ money, gimme the effin’ money, pick it up, you think I’m playin’ with you? You think this is a game?’ The standard, you know, I saw it on TV and this is my robbery spiel.”
It takes a special kind of cool–an ice cream cool–to make dismissive jokes about the armed assailant who just popped off a couple of rounds into your van and left you bloody. Franklin, you’re the man today.
I mean no disrespect when I say this story makes me want to write, just because it has a vaguely Lebowskian absurdity to it, “Aw, not the van, man.”
And God Bless America.