How Jennifer Aniston Stays So Young

2a5c20ce554f6ca05161973f8ec6e98fMy teenaged daughters recently discovered old episodes of Friends on Netflix, and while imposing myself on some of their recreational time recently I noticed that Jennifer Aniston has not only maintained her youthful appearance, she is arguably even hotter Aniston-in her 40s than she was in her late twenties. In those old episodes she was cute, but she’s transcended that to the rarefied level of scorching magnificence while somehow maintaining a girl next door sort of casual appeal.  It’s a wonder, given that dynamic, that stalkers don’t surround her castle like the suitors of Penelope at Ithaca.

At first I thought is was just me, and my own aging perspective–the young girl thing doesn’t really rock me any more, aside from a general acknowledgement of aesthetic appeal. College girls–and the flock of young, indistinguishable from each other, hollywood starlits flooding television and mainstream movies– look like children to me, not just out of my league but, you know, eeeeeewwww creepy young. Criminally young. But someone like Tea Leoni? Woff, woof. Or Sheryl Crow, Julianne Moore, Diane Lane?  Those are proper subjects for unrequited lust  of respect and admiration. I’ve never really thought of Aniston as a sex symbol or, as Websters’ calls it, a “smokin’ hottie,” but my childrens’ discovery of her forced me to re-evaluate.

This Aniston, however, is–or was–a bit of a conundrum. Can clean living do all that? Was there medical intervention?  An inspection of Aniston’s close friend and fellow Friends alum Courtney Cox, reveals that the answer is no: Courtney looks great, but we can see right through that shit.)  There can only be one solution: cannibalistic filicide.

7174b1b0-a54f-11e4-bb39-1bed1b48d746_Jennifer-Aniston-SAG-AwardsAccording to the tabloids at which I’ve been gawking while in line at the grocery store over the past 20 years, Ms. Aniston has pretty much been constantly pregnant for most of my adult life.

Twenty years of pregnancy means at least 18 babies, presuming a quick turnaround following a typical 40-week pregnancy and a bare minimum 4 month recovery time, and not factoring in the many sets of twins she has been rumored to have conceived.  And yet, we’ve heard no rumors of either termination nor miscarriage, but…

NO BABIES.

Could Jennifer Aniston have the most tragic reproductive history in the entire…um…ever?  Given the volume and intensity of new coverage she’s historically generated, I suspect we’d hear about it, loudly, were it true. So the only solution is:

Jennifer Aniston becomes impregnated by some of Hollywood’s most vibrant stars, carries their children, and upon delivering these children under top secret conditions, she eats her young, consuming not only their vibrancy but their very souls.  It’s the only viable solution.

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About JunkChuck

Native, Militant Westsylvanian (the first last best place), laborer, gardener, and literary hobbyist (if by literary you mean "hack"). I've had a bunch of different blogs, probably four, due to a recurring compulsion to start over. This incarnation owes to a desire to dredge up the best entries of the worst little book of hand-scrawled poems I could ever dream of writing, salvageable excerpts from fiction both in progress and long-abandoned. and a smattering of whatever the hell seems to fit at any particular moment. At first blush, I was here just to focus on old, terrible verse, but I reserve the right to include...anything. Maybe everything, certainly my love of pulp novels growing garlic, the Pittsburgh Steelers and howling at the moon--both figuratively and, on rare occasions, literally.
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18 Responses to How Jennifer Aniston Stays So Young

  1. I’ve heard from a certain Countess Báthory that bathing in the blood of virgins does wonders for your complexion.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Alex Hurst says:

    Wow…. haha. I’ve been in Japan so long I actually forgot about tabloids…. but she’s definitely a favorite of theirs, isn’t she?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tricia says:

    I like how you had to qualify your tabloid reading by saying “while standing in line”. Uh huh…;). Funny post.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. She must have made a pact with Satan. The babies, the beauty…it all makes sense!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. bethbyrnes says:

    Oh boy, I hope it’s because she is a vegan. These reports have evaded me because my husband does all the grocery shopping (otherwise, I throw everything into the cart) so I haven’t seen a tabloid headline in years! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s because she has NO kids she stays so young. Those little rug rat blood suckers take the life and youth out of us!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. So she’s pulling a Kronos….

    huh.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Karma says:

    LOL, thanks for the laugh this morning! I clicked over here to peruse your blog and I’m enjoying the cool variety of posts.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. tedgiffin says:

    This is much worse than I expected. So if this is true, how do we explain Dick Clark surviving ageless for so long? Of course, I must bring up Keith Richards, tho he looks 1 billion years old, he is a testament to how much abuse a human body can withstand and continue to live.

    Liked by 1 person

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