Five Rules For The Jackholes Trying To Ruin Halloween

This is my favorite of all the posts I’ve read this week. Ms. Kelly’s thoughts eerily track my own: we live at the end of a street, with a gauntlet of old, grumpy people between us and the next cluster of participating houses–I WISH parents would bring their kids to our house. For too many Trick Or Treaters they judge it not worth the time to walk all the way down to our sole beacon of plenty. Sigh. We keep trying to draw them in, though–this year: a strobe light.

Best Halloween moment ever: a middle-aged guy about three blocks over from us, dressed like a zombie redneck, brandishing a chain saw (with no chain), engine roaring, chasing parents and children up and down the street.

Worst: I was a 5’9, 170lb 11-year old. The last year I made the rounds (1978) I caught so much abuse from people…my, aren’t you a little old? I was crying by the time I gave up and went home. As cool as it was in later years, being a sort of giant sucked that year. Now, I never say that sort of thing to kids…

…because even it they are a little old, it’s important to remember that behind every over-aged trick or treater is a Dad, waiting at home, for just one more year of candy bags to pillage after the kids go to bed. Again, sigh.

And then there were the teenaged girls who ended up on our porch two or three years back, tall and busty in high heels and Fredericks of Hollywood lingerie, too much make-up, and seriously full bags of candy. What are you guys supposed to be?

“I’m a prostitute,” the first one said, smirking.

Her associate shrugged, “I’m just a slut.”

Good enough. I’m ashamed to say that the subversive part of me suppressed the conscientious parent, and I laughed. They each got a few extra pieces of chocolate.

And there is one rule on my porch: you have to say it, and you have to say it LOUD.

Not please, or even thank you, though I always appreciate manners. What I need to hear is TRICK OR TREAT!!!! That shit needs to be deafening, or I’m going to make you say it again.

Drifting Through

halloweensandy-2

Can we not suck the fun out of Halloween?

Can we have one day? One day where it’s just about having fun and there are no guidelines or parameters or judgement or rules?

I’ve been hearing plenty of grumbling on both mainstream and social media. Things that annoy people about Halloween. “Rules” for trick or treating.

There’s been an abundance of people who seem to have a stick up their candy bowl.

They have been lamenting the kids who trample their grass, don’t ask politely for candy. The ones who take the candy and don’t say thank you. People who wonder at the wisdom of giving candy when more kids are overweight. Remember the lady who handed out fat shaming letters to trick or treaters? And there are people who think it’s their job to determine how old is too old for trick or treating.

As a public service and…

View original post 1,106 more words

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About JunkChuck

Native, Militant Westsylvanian (the first last best place), laborer, gardener, and literary hobbyist (if by literary you mean "hack"). I've had a bunch of different blogs, probably four, due to a recurring compulsion to start over. This incarnation owes to a desire to dredge up the best entries of the worst little book of hand-scrawled poems I could ever dream of writing, salvageable excerpts from fiction both in progress and long-abandoned. and a smattering of whatever the hell seems to fit at any particular moment. At first blush, I was here just to focus on old, terrible verse, but I reserve the right to include...anything. Maybe everything, certainly my love of pulp novels growing garlic, the Pittsburgh Steelers and howling at the moon--both figuratively and, on rare occasions, literally.
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