A short while back, North Korea’s indomitable little despot, Kim Jong Un, son of my good old friend Kim Jong Il, held a press conference to tell the world that he could use a hydrogen bomb to destroy Manhattan pretty much any damn time the mood struck him. Given the disparity of nuclear weapon stocks, as well as the technology gap between the USA and the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea that would virtually assure North Korea’s quick and efficient transformation into a vast, glassy hole in the ground in the event of an atomic engagement, I pretty much ignored the threat–but what did concern me was Jong Il’s own transformation from fairly normal looking Asian dictator into–do you see it?–Sponge Bob.
This far into an election year, it is more than past time to revive the old “Dumb Ass Hall of Fame” feature. Why have I waited so long? I’ve been busy with a lot of non-blog related work, for one thing. Then, given that the early election cycle was clogged up by foaming mouth idiots like Rick Santorum and the other 15 or so candidates that were jammed into the Republican Clown Car, followed by a month of “douchebags on the range” out at Malheur National Wildlife Refuge (I’ve been there, by the way–it’s nice, you should go once all the piles of shit those guys left around are cleaned up), I was quite literally overwhelmed by idiocy. Time to get back on the horse–indeed, there is actually, at present, a backlog of of Dumb Asses waiting for enshrinement.
Our newest inductee is Bingham County (Idaho) County Sheriff Craig Rowland who, in response to a new piece of state legislation that creates a “a statewide system for collecting and tracking DNA evidence of sexual assault,” ranted that it was unnecessary for a statewide system because most rapes are false reports.
“I really believe the Legislature needs to take a strong look at allowing law enforcement to do their job and not try to dictate what we need to do. I think they’re trying to help, I really do,” Rowland said, in a televised interview, adding, “They need to let us decide if we’re going to send the kit and when we send the kits in. Because the majority of our rapes— not to say that we don’t have rapes, we do—but the majority of our rapes that are called in, are actually consensual sex. “
Where the hell do I start with this one? Oh, how about the absolutely chilling effect this must have on victims of sexual assault not just in Bingham County, but anywhere? Victims of sexual assault stay quiet for numerous reasons, among them fear of their attacker coming after them again, in retribution, and fear of not being believed–and Rowland has just shown that those outcomes are entirely possible. A woman has to be thinking, “if I go and make a statement, and they don’t believe me, will the attacker be waiting for me when I go home?”
The new law mandates that all alleged rapes will be tested, and all kits will be submitted, while under the current system law enforcement agencies have the right to determine the necessity for a kit and, by extension, the validity of the assusations–without actually processing any evidence. It’s simple to imagine all the stereotypes of powerful and/or connected alleged perpetrators benefiting from their status at the expense of less influential victims. And these hypothetical attackers wouldn’t necessarily be big shots. If I’m a cop, it is quite likely I’d give a benefit of a doubt to my cousin’s step son, or maybe the guy from my bowling team, or my preacher, or another cop. Under the current system, I don’t have to do a rape kit–I can just say, “this allegation isn’t believable,” mark the sexual encounter (if I even accept that it happened) as consensual, and send everyone on their way. If the bill passes, the cops will be required to send the process and sent the kit.
Now, forget for just a moment about the effects on the victim, or about the fact that potential attackers who hear his words are likely to be emboldened by them, and think for a minute about a Sheriff who, in these days of police video scandals, is actually stupid enough to look into a camera and say, “most rape victims are lying about it.” He’s not exactly winning the self-awareness competition, is he? Even if he had data on his side, the guy has to be an utter idiot to not consider the attention he would get. And yet he is The Law. Go figure.
Of course, after a world of media attention rained down on Rowland, he went back to television, briefly blamed the station for misrepresenting his words, then offered up a boilerplate apology in which he admits that his words were misinterpreted–note the passive voice–then complains that since the initial interview he and his family have been threatened and cyber-bullied. Or so he says. In my opinion, most incidents of Dumb Ass Sheriffs alleging bullying are not true.
An old friend recently tossed this depressing article on her Facebook page….
Ever the churlish contrarian, I crafted an offensive, caustic response–even though I’m barely a beef eater myself, the preciousness of all this chicken little vegan nonsense hits me like wood splinters (or slivers, if you will) beneath my fingernails. I thought it was funny, of course–but in such matters I’m often alone. Still, fortunately for you I’m compelled to share.
Remember when our vegetarian friends were primarily innocuous, over-sensitive earth-muffins who delighted in saying things like, “oh, man–don’t you get that you’re eating pain, man?” I miss those older, simpler days. The new thing is that steak is a civilization-ending vehicle for megalomaniacal destruction of not just our way of life, but the entire human race. And that that’s a lot to blame on a burger.
It is rare from me to eat beef twice in the same month, but I still recognize these are truly the end of days. There are no options. Soy tastes like shit and shrinks testicles, Salmon in declining and mostly factory farmed, and I can’t even think the word “vegan” without giggling. (soy/vegan = chemical/metaphorical castration–coincidence? I think not.) Sigh. I mean: jeez, it took me the better part of a decade to figure out how to pronounce “quinoa” and now we can’t even eat that because now that it’s trendy the people who grow it can’t afford to buy it and are starving. I don’t even want to know what terrible news about edamame is on the horizon.
My wife ate a burger in a restaurant the other night that was an abomination some sadistic bastard constructed of crushed black beans and, probably, Elmer’s Glue. I thought, “cue the creepy music and lightning effects, and call Igor–this is Frankenfood.” I opted for the shrimp, because I’m a bully and like to pick on creatures much smaller than I am.
But I digress. The obvious solution is the forced sterilization of vast hordes of third world folks (including a wide swath of the American Confederacy) in order to reset population numbers and create space for the emissions created by the chicken tacos, pepperoni, and occasional breakfast sausage necessary to lead a honest, satisfying life.
Of course, I would be on board with a “local only” meat rule in the face of drought. I mean, hell, it rains here 258 days a year. It’s the economy of scale that gets us–I can buy half a cow from Liz & Malcolm (although I don’t understand what to do with a lot of the strangely shaped cuts), who pretty much just let the beef wander around their property for a couple years before (Chuck makes slicing motion across his neck). Maybe that’s the solution? Don’t know a farmer? Eat seeds and twigs.
Donald Trump has hogged so much of the spotlight thus far in the election that we have been deprived of all the stupid stuff other politicians, and Republicans in particular, spout. This one makes the old “spontaneous abortion” rant look quaintly pastoral. It seems that the GOP, in the form of its National Republican Senatorial Committee, thinks that Representative Tammy Duckworth–or Lt. Colonel Duckworth, if you prefer, isn’t doing a good enough job of standing up for veterans.
That could be because Duckworth lost both of her legs, and suffered catastrophic injuries to her right arm (it was basically blown off and reattached) while serving as an US Army helicopter pilot in Iraq. She was the first female double amputee from the war, but despite a medical waiver, she continued to serve in the Illinois Army National Guard. She retired from the army in October 2014, just before winning reelection to Congress. The GOP not only blames the media for publicizing their callous whoopsie–because the real offense here is not that it was said, but that it was reported– but at this writing have yet to apologize for their snarky douchebaggery, and why would they? The NRSC is infamous for shooting from the hip, and shamelessly basking in the attention–who was it that said there was no such thing as bad publicity?–because unless they let clueless interns from Dartmouth run their Twitter, there’s no way this wasn’t calculated. On the other hand, it is not like the Republicans have embraced a culture of mocking disabled folks. Right? I mourn for the nation we have become.