Accept Mass Shootings As Inevitable, Necessary

Just when we, as a goodly christian nation, should be leaning back, popping a cold Coors Light, and celebrating our hard-fought victory in the battle to control women and their pesky uteri, it has become impossible to relax thanks to the insistent bleating of so may liberal sheeple who’ve got their panties all tied up in a wad (hey! shouldn’t they have to get our permission for anything crotch-related?) over the alleged hypocrisy of our moment.

If we were really pro-life, we’d oppose mass incarceration for petty crimes, and the disproportionate volume of those incarcerations involving non-whites, they say. Not to mention the inevitable and even more disproportionate execution rate of people of color. It’s like these godless commies have never seen “Law & Order,”–ummm, helloooo, people don’t get arrested if they’re not guilty.

And while that could be bad enough by itself, they’re making a big deal out of “mass shootings” in perfectly understandable venues like schools (mean teachers always telling us what to do and making us take tests all the time), churches (mean preachers always telling us what to do and how many times do we have sing “Blessed Assurance,” for chrissakes?), parades (will somebody throw some goddamned candy already, malls (yuck), and even grocery stores (why do they NEVER put Funyuns on sale?).

The point is this: We must accept these deaths and laud them as martyrs to the agrarian values upon which our nation was founded, and the great god from whom all blessings flow, who pulls our marionette strings to and fro, and passes his blessing on the pulled pork sandwiches and egg salad. God himself told us that “full men” all deserve to have guns, and like it says in the Psalms, “If you don’t use it, you lose it.” I suppose he meant for some “2/3 men”, like Herschel Walker or that guy who didn’t believe in covid, who got killed by covid.

So, huzzah to the necessary dead! I mean, we don’t really care that much about the grandmothers and teachers and clergy who get in the way of the free expression of our gun rights. Moses didn’t tote the constitution down the mountain and trample through a brush fire–in nothing but a robe and birkinstocks, no less!– to give us the second amendment, if the god didn’t want us to shoot stuff, right?

What gets folks riled up is the children, but we’ve got to ask ourselves: once they’re born and we no longer use them to show how pure and moral and decent and goodly we are, they’re pretty much pointless. It sounds harsh, but that’s the truth. Children are useless after they’re born. They’re loud and messy. And expensive. What higher purpose can we imagine for them than noble deaths, so that we might live free. Plenty of elevated cultures have made human sacrifice a key component of their rituals–Incas, Mayans, those dudes who made Stonehenge and the goodly folk from the City of Ur. We’re in good company. And besides, it’s getting more and more crowded here, and children’s graves are so tiny. Saves a lot of space.

2 responses to “Accept Mass Shootings As Inevitable, Necessary”

  1. My brother in law says that when you consider the total number of kids in school and compare that to the number actually killed by shooters, the number is too paltry to concern ourselves with. He lives alone.


  2. I’ve read how hard it is to do sarcasm in over-the-top times like these, but you’ve succeeded well. TY.


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