Categories
fiction Funny and/or Strange Uncategorized

Knock On My Door, Will You?

giphysnowhag

A True Story. Mostly.
A knock on the door last week, too damned early in the morning…an older middle-aged woman with pamphlets and a bible in a floral dress and sensible shoes bearing close resemblance to Mrs. C, my tenth-grade typing teacher.
“Hello, I’m spreading the good word about a 3-day conference in–”
“Is this a god thing?” That momentum needed to be checked.
“Why yes, it is a 3-day conference in–”
“We’ve already got a grail!” Dodge. Parry. Non sequitur!
“What? I’d like to invite you to a three–”
“Not interested. Do you have encyclopedias?”
“But…huh?”
“Vacuum cleaners? Brushes? Steak?”
(Confused) “Ummm?”
“Can you get students to paint my house real cheap?”
“I don’t think you understand.”
(Leaning into her space a little bit.) “Are you saying I’m stupid? I think I do pretty well with what I’ve been given. You don’t need to be mean about it.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to–”
“Maybe you should just try the neighbors; they’re real zealots. I hear they drowned a witch, last place they lived.” I lower my voice and whisper, conspiratorially, “It’s Texas. That’s where they’re from, and they definitely burn books–religiously, you might say.”
“What?”
“Did you see what I did there?
It’s a pun. They religiously burn books. Get it? I told you I was smart. Not that I’m an angel myself. I’ve done awful things. I’ve danced a bunch, and listened to Led Zeppelin records backwards, and between you and me, I’ve eaten more than my fair share of owls.”
“Owls?”
“Yup. Lots of them. The small ones, particularly.”
“Owls?”
“They’re fuzzy and sweet. A lot like peaches, really. They’re great on waffles, with some cinnamon and maple syrup.”
She looks over her shoulder at the street–no backup there–and turns back to me, squints a little, then opts to scurry away, looking worriedly over her shoulder, and skitters up the street, ignoring my “Have a nice day!”
Knock on my door, will you?

Categories
Commentary Funny and/or Strange

Am I The Only Person Who Reads My “Spam” Comments and Believes Them?

I looked at my filtered comments today, just to make sure I wasn’t missing any interactions–unlikely since I’ve been occupied elsewhere of late, and spamthe Old Road Apples have turned spoiled and squishy. I did not expect to find a wonderfully supportive and sustaining environment in and amongst the Spam, and I recommend that all of your when you’re feeling worried and down, forget going downtown or crossing a bridge over troubled water. Read your spam!  Here is a just a selection from the first few….

1. “Just want to say your article is as amazing. The clarity in your post is simply nice and i can assume you are an expert on this subject.” This and the others below are all in reference to a post called “Bonus Picture: Bikini Ski Girl”

2. “This post could not be written much better! Looking at this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept talking about this.” In reference to a post called “Organic Roadkill.”

3. “I don’t know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you are not already”

4. “Whoa this blog is magnificent i really like studying your posts. Keep up the good work!”

etc.

When I was a a kid my mom told me I was handsome quite a bit, and I never doubted that. When girls I liked didn’t like me, I thought: I don’t get it, I’m so handsome. When they were mean, I thought: I can can learn to be cooler, at least I’m so damned handsome. You can see where this was going–until one day, I was about 15, and I’m staring in the mirror, and it hits me. “Mom!” I shouted. “What the fucking fuck?” Turns out I’m not the leading man, I’m the overweight partner in the Sears Roebuck sportcoat, due to retire in a week who gets gunned down in the first act. But those spammers, they think I’m goddamn F. Scott Fitzgerald. I love spammers.

Categories
Funny and/or Strange

Trump Tower: Don’t Worry, It’s Just PANTS ON FIRE.

firetrumptower

trump-tower-fire

http://thehill.com/homenews/news/367870-fire-crews-responding-to-fire-at-trump-tower

http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/trump-tower-new-york-catches-fire-smoke-seen-billowing-roof-1654247

Categories
Funny and/or Strange meme Uncategorized

Autumn Coming: Time For Pumpkin Flavored Everything

We recently had the first crisp evening that hinted at the changes to come, that feeling in the air that native Westsylvanians recognize as “a Football Night.” In the verges, the annual flora are showing wear, the color of goldenrod lines country roads and the counts of our prolific whitetail deer seen dead along the highways, stirred to their violent ends by the hormonal surges of the rut and the the instinctive understanding that food will soon be much less abundant. In the trees, the earliest leaves are already beginning to flush, and in the bars and coffee shops, restaurants and bakeries, the taps and pitchers and shelves are suddenly and predictably weighted by food and drink flavored with “Pumpkin Spice.” If you expected me to offer consolation, I apologize. I have none to give. Indeed, the words that might help are these: be strong and resolute. Like all tribulations, this too will pass.
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Categories
Commentary Funny and/or Strange Uncategorized

Thanks, Mom

My mom just had a birthday, but we’re not celebrating it until tomorrow since she was away on the actual day. We’re going to get out the grill, burn some food, have something bad for us for desert. By coincidence, one of my nephews posted this on his facebook* page:

I DON’T THINK MOST GIRLS REALIZE HOW HANDSOME MY MOM SAYS I AM.

My immediate response was laughing agreement, “I know, right?” But then I got to thinking: It’s been a long time since I paid any attention to how women respond to me, because the best part of being old (though not as old as my mom….

…is just not caring what anyone thinks about anything. The default response of most mature folks over 50 is “Screw you, assclown!” 

But who among us hasn’t thought after some chick (or dude, if that’s how you roll) does that snotty tongue-click “tch” thing, that the obviously blind jerk needs a sit down with mom?

I actually believed I was handsome well into my teenage years, thanks to my mom, until that day that I really looked in the mirror and was, like, “Oh, so that’s what the problem is.” Fortunately, by that time, I’d already started to not give many damns–and if girls are attracted to anything, it’s guys who just don’t give a damn. The less damns you have to give, the more what you do have are in demand.

And hey, mom: thanks for that.

Categories
Funny and/or Strange My Poetry Uncategorized

Ugh, They Did It Again…

Ugh, they did it again. I was away from here more than I was here the past few months, and things look–and work–a little differently. Ugh.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I see they did it again
They made us believe we know how it works
Oh baby
It might seem like whining
But it doesn’t mean I’m not serious
‘Cause to lose my bearings
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby
Damn, they did it again
I played with posting, I’m lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops, I didn’t mean to delete
Couldn’t find the save draft tab
I’m not that ignorant
You see my problem is this…
I just couldn’t find
Oh wait there it is, now where did it go
I cry, watching the words
Can’t you see I just miss the straight-forward days
With all the buttons right there
It’s just so typically W.P.
Oh baby, oh
Oops, they did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops, you think I’m in love
That I’m…
Categories
Funny and/or Strange Photo I Like Uncategorized

Let The Memes Flow…

donald-trump4

Categories
Funny and/or Strange Photo I Like Uncategorized

New Years Post Delayed. Of course.

I guess I won’t be listing “Stop Procrastinating” as one of my resolutions. I do plan to up the ante on loudmouthed, opinionated rants, gratuitous Trump-bashing, and other forms of intimate journeys of self-discovery. There may be a little bit of wise-assery, too. I mean, I’m just guessing, but….

In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of Jennifer Lopez exercising her constitutional right to bear arms. jlo-bear-arms:

Categories
Funny and/or Strange meme Uncategorized

Happy Samuel Jackson Day!

That’s right, it is Samuel Jackson’s birthday. Motherfucker.

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Categories
art Christmas Funny and/or Strange

Weird Christmas Card of the Year

4 X 6