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Comedians Endorse “Any And All” Republicans For Pres.

republicanIn direct opposition to stereotypes of the “Liberal Hollywood Elite” voting en masse for Democratic candidates, members of several comedy and theater unions, including The National Association of Comedians and the powerful Screen Actors Guild have take the unusual position of endorsing every 2015 Republican candidate for the US Presidency

“It takes a lot of money to garner the influence of a political campaign,” comedy spokesperson Al Kikurass explained, following self-styled tycoon and ceaseless self-promoter Donald Trump’s announcement that he,  too, will join an already crowded field of candidates. “We’re hoping to take a collective approach by embracing the entire field so no matter who wins, we win with them.”

In a hastily organized press conference held at the struggling Harrah’s Casino in Atlantic City, MD, Kikurass explained the comedic strategy.  “Hillary is practically a sure thing;  but she’s not funny. Not one bit. She’d be good in the sense that she isn’t likely to repeal the Affordable Care Act, nor turn Saturday, the most important night of the week for comedians, into a second, solemn day of Christian Worship.  Unfortunately, she’d do nothing to otherwise sustain our industry. If we’re lucky, maybe she falls down, like Gerald Ford, or maybe her husband has another affair, but there’s no guarantee. Bill Clinton isn’t getting any younger, and he’s had heart trouble.

“The Republican field, on the other hand, boasts another Bush brother as its most viable candidate–the one with the Cuban wife and the coke-addled daughter.” Kikurass explained.  “Beyond Bush, you’ve got Rubio, Cruz, Huckabee, and that’s not to mention the wildly popular (with comedians) Rick “Man On Dog” Santorum.  Santorum’s entry into the race was considered by many to be the most important moment in a comedic community that was rocked last year by Michelle Bachman.

“Losing Bachman was a blow,” Kikurass admitted. “Dress up in heels and a Lane Bryant suit, affect a Minne-SO-tah accent, go on stage, and mumble anything nonsensical–the crazier you sound, the more realistic the impression, and the louder the laughs.”

cpac-clown-car-gop-620x288“This is a gold mine,” Kikurass continued, barely holding back a smile. “Any single Republican is bound to mutter some deeply offensive, half-witted bomb–like calling LeBron James a “good negro boy” or proclaiming that if female rape victims tap their heels together, squint really hard, and say Bill O’Reilly’s name backwards three times they won’t get pregnant.  Having a dozen of these guys–not to mention Carly Fiorino, who thinks the drought in the west is a liberal plot— shouting to be heard over each other will be an unprecedented font of comedic opportunity.”

Sources report that, following Santorum’s announcement a few weeks ago,  jubilant Saturday Night Live writers, realizing they won’t need to put any effort into opening monologues or the weekend update for at least the next eighteen months, had desolved so far into a dizzyingly libertine orgy of ivy league group sex revelry, bathing in a jacuzzi filled with warm, ironically and symbolically mediocre Iron City Beer shipped in from Santorum’s former hometown of Pittsburgh, PA.

602603_412811998786715_32205572_nTrump’s announcement, a spit-spraying tirade of condemnation, vitriol, and virtually incomprehensible mutterings, drew hundreds of comedians to Atlantic City, where the billionaire real estate mogul, television character, and hissyfit birther has been such a strong and sometimes divisive figure, where they smashed their way into abandoned casinos, dragging velour sofas and circular beds into the street as fuel for exultant bonfires around which celebrants danced long into the morning.

“Our goal is to organize support that works towards keeping all of these bumpkins, ignorant sociopaths, and proudly cynical opportunists in the race as long as possible.  With this particular slate of candidates, the opportunity exists to sustain comedy well into the winning candidates second tier.” Kikurass had explained.  “We’re even taking the unprecedented step of dispatching a diplomatic outreach team, led by Kathy Griffin, that Hot Pocket guy, and Boomhower from King of The Hill to former front runner Chris Christie and aspiring angry fascist and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker.”

 

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Rachel Nichols Scores

Rachel-Nichols2Following her attempts to pry an answer from that elusive weasel, Roger Goodell, to the question of why the Atlantic City police have no record of the NFL ever requesting the full film footage of Ray Rice sucker-punching his then-fiancee into unconsciousness, and his continued evasiveness (he pulls the old politician trick of answering a different question than he was asked, then repeating the answer until the flow of conversation moves on), reporter Rachel Nichols found her Wikipedia page had been changed to reflect a new career.  Kudos to her–and to the TMZ guy who said “We got the tape with one phone call,” what the hell was your problem?
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