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New Years Post Delayed. Of course.

I guess I won’t be listing “Stop Procrastinating” as one of my resolutions. I do plan to up the ante on loudmouthed, opinionated rants, gratuitous Trump-bashing, and other forms of intimate journeys of self-discovery. There may be a little bit of wise-assery, too. I mean, I’m just guessing, but….

In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of Jennifer Lopez exercising her constitutional right to bear arms. jlo-bear-arms:

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Funny and/or Strange video

Bear Crashes Commerical Shoot

You may have seen this before.  I hadn’t.  I couldn’t not share this.

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Funny and/or Strange Photo I Like

Putin Just A Wanna-Be

I can’t be the first, or the only, internet hack to point out that Vladimir “Vain Vlad” Putin’s whole wild man schtick is neither new nor particularly interesting.  In fact, he’s quite literally a (ghostly white) pale imitation of a real rough customer.

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But…

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Bonus points to the world leader who invented national parks and who, when he was shot in an assassination plot during a speech, opted to stay at the podium and finish his speech before stopping by the hospital.

Negative points for having sexy threesomes with dolphins.  That’s not the kind of rough riding we were talking about, Vlad.

putin gets it on

 

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No More Trimming Irish Guard’s Bearskin Hats–Switch To Faux Fur

article-1379261-0BB9212500000578-539_634x372Soldier magazine reports that the English Army, bowing to increasing pressure from Animal Rights Activists and the exhorbitantly expensive costs of trimming and maintenance,  has announced that bearskin helmets worn by the Irish guards while on duty at Buckingham Palace will be phased out in favor the more politically correct and less costly synthetic “faux” bearskin hats.

“The hats are extremely expensive to initially procure,” explained Major Arthur Ursa.  “And it’s a little-known fact that the hair on bearskin keeps growing and needs to be regularly trimmed–a tedious, time-consuming, and difficult process.”

C_71_article_1015253_image_list_image_list_item_0_image-462505Ursa explained that the switch to faux fur not only will save “a shilling from every tax-paying household in Britain, money we can put to better use on ammunition and domestic surveillance,” but will ease the burden of poor public relations generated by continual protests by anti-fur activists who appear at British Embassies around the globe.  The protestors distract government employees, create a security risk, and cause strife with local authorities whenever they appear.

peta-hat_1683378cAs incredible as it sounds, scientists have confirmed this hair-raising fact about the bearskins. The skins retain an original hormone, often for a decade or more, causing follicles to “live” long after the animal has been skinned. Scientists call it otiose and it is hoped it can be put to use in medical research — especially into baldness.

“Bears hibernate in the winter and the amazing thing is that in the spring the skins really start to sprout.” Ursa explained.  “We have a specially trained platoon of barbers who labor round the clock from March well into June.”

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My Favorite Christmas Recordings # 19 Andy Williams: The Andy Williams Christmas Album

Bitter, cynical, and borderline misanthropic for most of the year, I reform for the holiday season and from mid-November to the last minute of Epiphany I’m all about the season.  Readers of Old Road Apples will find themselves under a constant barrage of holiday fare this season–from themed essays to book reviews to a countdown of my very favorite Christmas recordings.

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I’d wager a guess that most people my age and younger have little more than a cloudy recognition of Andy Williams, if they know who he is at all, but when I was a kid he was fairly ubiquitous with Christmas.  He had several albums of his own, an annual Christmas Variety show on the TV each year, and a center front position on all those old grocery-store compilations which formed my tastes in Christmas music.  I’m not sure how to classify this album–he’s not a slick as Sinatra, or as smooth as Dean Martin, but his voice is sweet and seems to be propelled by gleeful enthusiasm, as if he’s inviting us to join him rather than entertaining us.

But let me be clear: this is an essential Christmas record.  I guarantee that you’ll be pleased, and wonder how you lived without it.

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