Soldier magazine reports that the English Army, bowing to increasing pressure from Animal Rights Activists and the exhorbitantly expensive costs of trimming and maintenance, has announced that bearskin helmets worn by the Irish guards while on duty at Buckingham Palace will be phased out in favor the more politically correct and less costly synthetic “faux” bearskin hats.
“The hats are extremely expensive to initially procure,” explained Major Arthur Ursa. “And it’s a little-known fact that the hair on bearskin keeps growing and needs to be regularly trimmed–a tedious, time-consuming, and difficult process.”
Ursa explained that the switch to faux fur not only will save “a shilling from every tax-paying household in Britain, money we can put to better use on ammunition and domestic surveillance,” but will ease the burden of poor public relations generated by continual protests by anti-fur activists who appear at British Embassies around the globe. The protestors distract government employees, create a security risk, and cause strife with local authorities whenever they appear.
As incredible as it sounds, scientists have confirmed this hair-raising fact about the bearskins. The skins retain an original hormone, often for a decade or more, causing follicles to “live” long after the animal has been skinned. Scientists call it otiose and it is hoped it can be put to use in medical research — especially into baldness.
“Bears hibernate in the winter and the amazing thing is that in the spring the skins really start to sprout.” Ursa explained. “We have a specially trained platoon of barbers who labor round the clock from March well into June.”