Stupid Headlines that show up in my news aggregator, and maybe even other Stupid Stuff that I find–a new tradition I talked about here. Who knows? No one knows–it’s a big, damn mystery. But the world is brimming with Stupid, and I’m setting out to document it and share it with you on days that I can’t think of anything worthwhile or positive to write about.
Today’s choice verges on the political–one of them thar one percenter rants.
“CBS Says CEO Moonves’s Pay Fell 14% to $57.2 Million Last Year”
—No human being in the world is worth $57.2 Million/year, not even those dearest of human treasures: bikini models. Especially the guy who brings us shows like “Two Racist Scatological Sex-Obsessed Bimbos and A Cupcake” and twelves hours a week of NCIS. Next up: NCIS: Nebraska. It is shows like his–let’s double down and mention Two And A Half Men while we’re at it–that should make us embarrassed to be Americans in a way we haven’t been embarrassed since the great cultural morass that was the 1980s–yes, Les Moonves is worse than the guys who brought us both the Chevrolet Citation and these guys on the right.
Beginning with full disclosure: historically speaking, I’ve always failed at this one–at least, that’s the attitude I take into it. Some guys are angling for surprise, acrobatic sexual compensation for their Valentine’s triumphs, but I’m just holding my breath and hoping for an indifferent shrug, or anything that is not patently disappointed. How many Valentines minds have I blown in my lifetime? Exactly none. None minds. I am fortunate, however –my wife likes flowers a lot, so I can’t really go wrong there, and despite all rhyme and reason she likes me, so flowers and a night out generally suffices–but I still crave that sudden moment of Valentine’s Day inspiration that would leave her shell-shocked, possibly struggling to remember to breathe and, should dreams really come true, in a partial state of undress. I keep wracking my brain, but I get nuthin.
I’m not counting my chickens before my eggs hatch, nor counting eggs before the chickens even lay them, but there is hope. CBS News did a poll that provides some insight into making at least a “satisfactory” gesture this year.
What am I up to this year? Since my wife has been know to scroll around here, I’d better not say. One thing I’ll assure you: it’s not lingerie, which came in just above “flu shot” at 8%, although I think CBS got it wrong with the lingerie thing: lingerie isn’t for the ladies. They may be the ones who wear it, but that stuff is for us. There’s a chance you could pull this off if you’re, say, under 25 and your girl favors anal floss g-strings, but don’t trying bringing garters and hose home to the Mrs. She won’t appreciate it. Better to do some housework–something really obvious–and stop by the candy store, or “chocolaterie” if you must. Hell, a shell pack of mexican strawberries and a can of Hershey’s syrup gives you a better chance than Frederick’s. Unless your girl is a prostitute–and even then, what she really wants is probably a night off, and maybe Richard Gere--not some self-serving synthetic silk underwear from a transparent plotter like you. Don’t get me wrong–there may be a time and a place, some cold boring night in January, maybe–it’s just not Valentine’s Day.
I love to tell stories with words and images, often with a darkly magical twist. While speculative fiction & dissecting pop culture are my primary passions, I also work with clients & brands by assisting with content creation, editing, marketing & design.