Targeted Advertising Part 1: The Rant

One of my many pet peeves–and likely one of yours–are those customized advertisements that show up on web sites we visit, trying to sell us stuff that we looked at on other web sites while really just reminding us it’s time to clean out our cache files.

Cheap, sexed-up stunt photo unabashedly employed to score a few extra hits.  Also, a really cute bra--bet it's uncomfortable as hell.
Cheap, sexed-up stunt photo unabashedly employed to score a few extra hits. Also, a really cute bra–bet it’s uncomfortable as hell.

I wouldn’t care so much if it was stuff I actually wanted to buy, but I’m not a profoundly vigorous shopper and I don’t generally look at commercial web pages unless I have a specific need.  If I look up socks, for example, the odds are pretty high that I’m going to buy some socks somewhere before I sign off.

Why is it, then, that when I do buy those socks I am forced to look at entirely worthless ads for the socks I just damn bought yesterday.  At no time do I need socks less than in the day or so after I just bought socks.  I haven’t even bothered to throw the old socks into the rag box yet.

Today I was looking at steel roofing for my garage--not as provocative as bras, but still pretty appealing, especially if you've got two leaks and a couple of soft spots.
Today I was looking at steel roofing for my garage–not as provocative as bras, but still pretty appealing, especially if you’ve got two leaks and a couple of soft spots.

And now I’m inundated by boobs.  Boobs everywhere.  Why?  Because last week my wife bought a couple of bras on my computer and I haven’t run my CCleaner in the intervening days.  I just wanted to rant on that–and it’s also funny to say “boobs.”  It’s such a funny word for one of the core components of the universe, without which our entire species would have died out centuries ago (or mutated into something unrecognizable as human, thanks to all the “better living through chemisty” components in baby formula.  And yet: boobs.  It’s like naming an athlete named “Milton” or a genius called “Kevin.”


I’ve Missed You Too–But Not That Much: Baking Cookies With Mom

A few years back....
A few years back….

Notice my spotty attendance here on my own blog, and in the “like” and “comment” sections of blogs I normally read?  Well, I’ve missed you too–but not that much.

I haven’t missed you because I’ve spent three of the past four days in a warm kitchen with my strange 72-year old mom baking Christmas cookies and talking and driving each other a little crazy, in no small part due to the half pound of coffee beans we’ve exploited in the name of powering this annual venture.  But hey, I’m baking cookies with my mom, the way she used to bake cookies with her mom.  And I’m man enough to brag about it.

The caveat: this woman is frustrating in so many ways I can’t detail here lest I destroy her reputation, and none of those things really matter because she’s also quite possibly the nicest person I know.  What maddens me is the reflection of my own faults that I see amplified in her–everything I would list on a New Year’s Resolution countdown is right there in her eyes, a syndrome I suspect is not unique to my family.  On the other hand, it could be that she’s pretty much all I’ve got–my family tree has been whittled down by divorce, attrition and complacency to the point where the biggest venue we’d need for a reunion is the corner booth at Denny’s.  (Do they still have those?)  Aside from mom, with the exception of one cousin, sentiment for me in that branch of the family ranges from smug indifferent to open hostility.

That sounds like whining, but I’m a big boy, I tried my best, and it’s no small mystery that I tend to be an acquired taste–like drinking cheap vodka: there’s some painful burning at the beginning, a few laughs in the middle, but ultimately you wake up sick. At least I have a paradigm.  Some guys can only dream….

But cookies.  My mom can’t cook for shit.  Sounds crude, but it’s the best way to say it.  As I’ve written here recently, I was well into college before I realized that roast beef isn’t supposed to be ghostly grey, or that most recipes don’t start with the phrase “First brown a pound of ground beef…” or that vegetables don’t mostly come from aluminum cans.  She learned everything she knows from her mother, but the both of them could sure as hell make some tasty cookies.  These weren’t fancy cookies, mind you, but nor were they the sort of self-consciously “colonial” bland molasses and raisin-filled shit you’d expect from folks who so stubbornly clung to their damp, English Methodist culinary flagellation.  No family in the history of the world has fetishized bad food like ours.

Except at the holidays, those few times of the year when they gave a damn; and that’s the key point: when they gave a damn.  It is the fault of my mother, and her mother before her, that I am a Christmas zealot, in turn weepy-eyed and jubilant over the “most wonderful time of the year.”

We made at least 10 dozen of multiple recipes including tollhouse, sugar cookies (both sugared and frosted), thumbprint cookies stuffed with frosting or jelly, snickerdoodles, peanut butter blossoms, peanut butter cup tarts.  So yeah, hundreds of cookies. At this point, we’ve consumed almost 20 pounds of flour, 12 pounds of butter, several pounds each of brown and granulated sugar, six ounces of vanilla, about 40 eggs.  Still, it’s not really about what we produced.

We spent a lot of time waiting for the stove to catch up to our cooking, but I got to hear all her best stories and–surprise–some new content while we were throwing back java and listening to the blaring Christmas Music.  It’s the thing we do–I mix, she cuts, shapes, or rolls, then I sugar or decorate. We talk.

I must admit that when I first started doing this, I was thinking she was an easy mark to exploit for labor–she’ll roll out and cut sugar cookie dough all day long,  like a harvester racing an approaching rain. Over the years, it’s become more about the time together, but not because she’s doing anything different.  At Christmas, I am patient enough, welcoming enough, to accept her, which is a good thing because, kharma-wise, I’m going to need ten times the patience from my children some day.


sheer awesomeness Yinzerism/Pittsburgh Advocacy

Pittsburgh Wedding = COOKIES!

Another reason why Western Pennsylvania is the best place this side of Tau Ceti: cookies.


LIKE brides and bridegrooms the world over, the ones in this city and nearby towns bask in the glory of the white dress, the big kiss and the first dance.

But then, a large number of them happily cede the spotlight to a cookie. Or a few thousand of them….

To really blow your mind, and possibly your diet, behold….