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humor Uncategorized

Email Excerpts–A Joke

nelson_ha_ha

I’ve saved a lot of email over the years–sort of an electrical pack rat, I guess (put on your Philip Dick and think on that for a nano). I’ll be cleaning up and sharing the best of it with you. I made this as a draft six years ago. No idea why I didn’t click “publish” before today.

On 6/13/2005 11:32 AM, (redacted) wrote:

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Ouch.

Categories
fiction Funny and/or Strange Uncategorized

Knock On My Door, Will You?

giphysnowhag

A True Story. Mostly.
A knock on the door last week, too damned early in the morning…an older middle-aged woman with pamphlets and a bible in a floral dress and sensible shoes bearing close resemblance to Mrs. C, my tenth-grade typing teacher.
“Hello, I’m spreading the good word about a 3-day conference in–”
“Is this a god thing?” That momentum needed to be checked.
“Why yes, it is a 3-day conference in–”
“We’ve already got a grail!” Dodge. Parry. Non sequitur!
“What? I’d like to invite you to a three–”
“Not interested. Do you have encyclopedias?”
“But…huh?”
“Vacuum cleaners? Brushes? Steak?”
(Confused) “Ummm?”
“Can you get students to paint my house real cheap?”
“I don’t think you understand.”
(Leaning into her space a little bit.) “Are you saying I’m stupid? I think I do pretty well with what I’ve been given. You don’t need to be mean about it.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to–”
“Maybe you should just try the neighbors; they’re real zealots. I hear they drowned a witch, last place they lived.” I lower my voice and whisper, conspiratorially, “It’s Texas. That’s where they’re from, and they definitely burn books–religiously, you might say.”
“What?”
“Did you see what I did there?
It’s a pun. They religiously burn books. Get it? I told you I was smart. Not that I’m an angel myself. I’ve done awful things. I’ve danced a bunch, and listened to Led Zeppelin records backwards, and between you and me, I’ve eaten more than my fair share of owls.”
“Owls?”
“Yup. Lots of them. The small ones, particularly.”
“Owls?”
“They’re fuzzy and sweet. A lot like peaches, really. They’re great on waffles, with some cinnamon and maple syrup.”
She looks over her shoulder at the street–no backup there–and turns back to me, squints a little, then opts to scurry away, looking worriedly over her shoulder, and skitters up the street, ignoring my “Have a nice day!”
Knock on my door, will you?

Categories
Commentary

Heartless Killers….

Ever look at a headline and you think wow, someone found that interesting enough to write about? (Quit smirking. This one doesn’t count.)

Screenshot_13I knew these brats were up to no good. But who knew J. Crew was still a thing? Their crap never fit me and always cost too much, but the pictures were pretty. I looked at the web site and was surprised how “mall cheap” the stuff they’re trying to peddle looks. Back in my day J. Crew was all full of khaki and muted pastels, clothes that models wore on pretend sailing adventures and picnics by the river, soft cotton sweaters that looked like they’d feel really nice between one’s hand and a preppie pixie’s left breast.

And Millennials, soulless destroyers that they are, are strangling all that. Just out of spite, I’m sure. It’s the pent-up fury of a generation’s collectively denied sexual dysfunction. Probably.

Categories
halloween video

The Great Sexy Halloween Costume Debate, 2 of 4

In Part 1, we heard from the magnificent Jill Sobule, and it seems to be that she’s not alone in her concerns.  In fact, the problem might be even more widespread than she realized.

Categories
Funny and/or Strange

Truly Functional Furniture?

When I read over this headline the first time, I thought that it said “Ikea chief…” and I thought, “Man is there nothing some stylishly functional, yet affordable Swedish furniture can’t make better?”

It’s silly, I know, and yet the more I think about it….

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My Poetry Poetry

Svarog’s Hymn

Svarog’s Hymn

One true Church,
he grinned mischievously.
It is mine, obviously.
The Church of Me—
I, mine and me,
now that’s a trinity!

Categories
Funny and/or Strange meme Uncategorized

Monday/Memeday: Longbottom

Still trying to figure out why those Neville Longbottom books are named after the Potter kid.  Neville’s ultimate defiance of Voldemort, in the face of Voldemort’s mocking, was (with apologies to “Dobby is a free elf!”) the most badassed moment of the entire series. Sorry if this offends your theocratic or political sensibilities (I’m really not sorry, but it is polite to say so.)

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Categories
Funny and/or Strange Photo I Like summer photos

2015 Summer Wonder #13: The Golden Fish Award

I’m never quite sure what to do with these blog awards occasionally bestowed upon me–I’m appreciative, humble even, but it feels very one-sided, and I feel unworthy.

So, starting sometime sooner or later, or when I eventually get around to doing it, I’ll be introducing the Golden Fish Award to certain summery blogs of distinction. Nominations will be accepted and winners treated to kind words, a reblog, and just maybe, if you’re particularly lucky, I’ll wrap up your golden fish in some old newspaper and ship it via USPS one rate service–should be there in 6-10 business days.

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Categories
Funny and/or Strange

Let Electricity Do It

What do we think we’re talking about here?  Something subtle, like an electric blanket and a leaky waterbed–or just the usual, mundane film noir toaster tossed in the bathtub?

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Categories
Funny and/or Strange meme

Monday/Memeday: Onions.

funniest-memes-quotes-ever-30