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fiction Funny and/or Strange Uncategorized

Knock On My Door, Will You?

giphysnowhag

A True Story. Mostly.
A knock on the door last week, too damned early in the morning…an older middle-aged woman with pamphlets and a bible in a floral dress and sensible shoes bearing close resemblance to Mrs. C, my tenth-grade typing teacher.
“Hello, I’m spreading the good word about a 3-day conference in–”
“Is this a god thing?” That momentum needed to be checked.
“Why yes, it is a 3-day conference in–”
“We’ve already got a grail!” Dodge. Parry. Non sequitur!
“What? I’d like to invite you to a three–”
“Not interested. Do you have encyclopedias?”
“But…huh?”
“Vacuum cleaners? Brushes? Steak?”
(Confused) “Ummm?”
“Can you get students to paint my house real cheap?”
“I don’t think you understand.”
(Leaning into her space a little bit.) “Are you saying I’m stupid? I think I do pretty well with what I’ve been given. You don’t need to be mean about it.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to–”
“Maybe you should just try the neighbors; they’re real zealots. I hear they drowned a witch, last place they lived.” I lower my voice and whisper, conspiratorially, “It’s Texas. That’s where they’re from, and they definitely burn books–religiously, you might say.”
“What?”
“Did you see what I did there?
It’s a pun. They religiously burn books. Get it? I told you I was smart. Not that I’m an angel myself. I’ve done awful things. I’ve danced a bunch, and listened to Led Zeppelin records backwards, and between you and me, I’ve eaten more than my fair share of owls.”
“Owls?”
“Yup. Lots of them. The small ones, particularly.”
“Owls?”
“They’re fuzzy and sweet. A lot like peaches, really. They’re great on waffles, with some cinnamon and maple syrup.”
She looks over her shoulder at the street–no backup there–and turns back to me, squints a little, then opts to scurry away, looking worriedly over her shoulder, and skitters up the street, ignoring my “Have a nice day!”
Knock on my door, will you?

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fiction

Porch Missionary

A knock on the door last week, too damned early in the morning…a woman with pamphlets, a forced smile, and a bible.
“Hello, I’m spreading the good word about a 3-day conference in–”
“Is this a god thing?”
“Why yes, it’s a 3-day conference in–”
“We’ve already got a grail!”
“What?”
“Never mind. You have encyclopedias?”
“But…what? It’s a 3-day…”
“Vacuum cleaners? Brushes? I could use a good brush! Steaks?”
(Confused) “Ummm?”
“You don’t have any of those?”
She shook her head.

“Can you get students to paint my house real cheap?”
“I don’t think you understand.”
(Leaning into her space a little bit.) “Are you implying I’m stupid? That I can’t possibly understand? That’s hurtful, from where I’m standing. I think I do pretty well with what I’ve been given: the best that I can. You don’t need to be mean about it.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to–”
“Maybe you should just try the neighbors; they’re real zealots. I hear they drowned a witch, last place they lived. They definitely burn books–religiously, you might say–and other things. ”
A wink.
“What?”
“It’s a pun. I told you I was smart. Not that I’m an angel myself. I’ve danced a bunch and, between you and me, I’ve eaten more than my fair share of owls.”
“Owls?”
“Yup. Owls” A nod. “That just between you and me, mind.”
A step back, almost certainly subconsciously. She looks over her shoulder at the street–no backup there–and no witnesses–and turns back to me, squints a little, then backs to the edge of the porch stairs before spinning towards the street. A hand on the railing, and she’s gone. Down the rickety stairs, scurrying away, glancing worriedly over her shoulder, she skitters up the street.
I wave heartily, call after her, “Good luck! Have a blessed day!”

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Commentary Uncategorized

Evangelicals LOVE Trump No Matter Who & How Often He’s Slipped The Schmeckle

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This is a photo-shopped composite picture–Fake News!–but it’s useful here. A picture worth a thousand words and all that..and it certainly got your attention.

The Washington Post just threw us an interesting article on the unwillingness of Evangelicals to condemn Donald Trump for his serial philandering, ultimately explaining the moral hypocrisy on white christian nationalism, irrational fear of islam, and a certain cold-tempered pragmatism that suggests they would excuse the excesses of Satan himself, should the devil suddenly call out for a Pro-Life, Anti-Gay, Unfettered Second Amendment political campaign platform.

It is a compelling argument and quite worthy of the 3 minutes it takes to read, but by no means but by no means should we regard the seeming disconnect between values and conduct as purely related to racial and religious identity and all their attendant fears and bigotries.

There’s a good deal of self-identification at work, as well. It is difficult to find a place so rife with illicit and immoral conduct than a protestant church. Don’t take that on my word. Statistically, despite decreasing numbers, American Evangelicals have the highest divorce rate (and highest rate of domestic violence) among all religious groupings, including non-believers (Atheists have the lowest rates).

And who can blame them? All that energy and intensity has to go somewhere, and it often goes into each other’s spouses. And why not? Forgiveness is at close at hand. They get Trump. They understand how difficult it is to keep things zipped up. God has his plan, after all. It wouldn’t happen if HE didn’t want it to (so slip out of that girdle, Mildred). Pots don’t call kettles black. Stones and glass houses. etc. etc.

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Christmas Funny and/or Strange meme

Christmeme: Disappointed Jesus

One thing is certain, The Lord haveth great sweaters.

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Commentary Uncategorized

Jesus Took The Wheel? Should Have Tried Brakes.

A number of websites and media outlets are busily covering the story of fortunate lovers and now viral stars of the hour Arika Stovall and Hunter Hanks, whose unlikely survival of a brutal, high speed one vehicle accident has been described in outlets like CNN, Fox News, and others as “heartwarming,” “touching,” and “miraculous.”

It seems to me that that the true miracle is that Mr. Hanks who, according to Ms. Stovall, was careening down the highway at 85 miles an hour in a pickup truck, didn’t maim or kill any other innocent folks who were driving around them.

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“Three seconds. That’s how long we had from the moment we drifted off the road until the truck hit the pilar (sic) at 85mph. In three seconds Hunter had to handle a situation that would either kill us immediately or save our lives. He keeps beating himself up for my pain but he saved my life.”

Yep, heroic. But according to Ms. Stovall, her beau had help. Supernatural help.

“I’m overwhelmed at how little damage was done to Hunter and I in a wreck that should have chopped our bodies in half. I’m in awe of the presence of God in this entire situation. Every part of this experience we went through points directly to Him. The way God helped Hunter to respond exactly the way he did behind the wheel, spinning the truck exactly where it should have to be able to smash into the pilar directly in the middle of me and Hunter so we were both untouched…that doesn’t just happen. God doesn’t throw protection around like that for no reason”

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It seems to me that a truly wise god would have tapped the brakes once or twice before the apparently reckless Mr. Hunter lost control of his vehicle and plowed into an bridge abutment, or maybe spoken to him, in a thundering voice, “Yo, asshat–slow the hell down. What’s the hurry?  You’re going to hurt someone.”

And for Ms. Stovall I offer continued good luck: this douchebag nearly killed you once, let’s hope he doesn’t do better at it the next time.

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Funny and/or Strange

Call To Arms!

The Thanksgiving armistice is over. Bellies full, we plunge headlong back into the fray! Starbucks be damned, Let the battle commence!
WarOnChristmas-Comic

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Commentary

Oh, God…

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It hasn’t been the best autumn for me, as a football fan. In the opening rounds of the season, all of my favorite teams–Pitt, Oregon, IUP, the Steelers, and our local high school team are a combined 4-7, with 3 of those losses coming from the hometown boys, a bunch of great young men, many of whom I’ve known since they were in kindergarten. A presumed contender for the league championship, it has been one thing after another for them, despite playing well, culminating in the catastrophic loss of our highly touted, college-bound senior quarterback in what looks to be a career-ending injury.

It seemed like they were cursed.  Now, as it turns out, it looks like the blame goes to me for not praying enough.  Or, to be honest, not praying at all.  Or believing in any of that superstitious “Great Sky Bully” nonsense.  Apparently, God is a petty sports fan, and He keeps score.  At least, that’s what about 33% or Americans believe.

http://publicreligion.org/research/2013/01/january-2013-tracking-poll-2/#.VgFTo33LB2A

 

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Commentary Funny and/or Strange video

Sunday Sermon: Father Stephen Fry

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Quote

Wednesday Words 7/29: The Bible on Dog Vomit

churchsignYes, my religious views have been well documented across the whirled why’d web, so you’re a little surprised to see me quoting “the good book” but there’s a lot of great stuff in there, some of it resoundingly, wonderfully evocative. Like this.

Proverbs 26:11:  As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

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Uncategorized

Pittsburgh Religion

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