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Funny and/or Strange

Spammers Misfire + Junk Mail Dating Advice

During my recent period of distraction, the official Junk Chuck email inbox ballooned to  3700 messages, and that is not counting the lonely Russian women, offers of lasik surgery 8f43d8876170cec2eb1907c4045c676cand penis enhancement messages (Coincidence? I don’t think so–clearly Olga and Svetlana have some unreasonable expectations from an old, married man–but I’m not sure how the lasik fits in). The Russian Sweetheart to the left is, I am told, wildly eager for me to come to Russia and marry her.  My wife says, “we could use another wife, someone to run the vacuum and do the dishes.”

I’ve also been getting a lot of junk mail with question marks in the addresses and subject lines, like this…

� View � Photos Of CHRlSTlAN SlNGLES In � Your Area

Because, um, that tricks me into thinking it’s a legitimate message that deserves rescue from the email graveyard.  I mean, “christian singles?” Take my advice–I’ve never strayed, but if I was going to start I sure as hell (that’s irony I intentionally put there, please smirk just a little) wouldn’t be jamming on Christian Singles.  Not even HOT CHRISTIAN SINGLES.  For good, indiscriminate sex, you ought to be looking for someone who’s damn sure we only get one trip around before the grand leap into the great void, and Succubus_(folklore)wants to squeeze every bit of lemonaide from the lemons, so to speak, and not a person fixated on eternal bliss and yada yada salvation and whose secret fantasy is verbal flogging at the hand of Cotton Mather.  You’ll be much happier arranging for a clandestine hookup with MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE ATHEIST SUCCUBUS CERTAIN THERE’S NOTHING MORE THAN THIS!  Of course, those Apocalypse Is Nigh, doom-obsessed, Kirsten-800x1066frothing-mouthed Armageddon Princesses or Princes might be ripe for a last grasp at original sin, but I’d be careful.  The cult thing is a big turn-off.  You’d probably be more happy with a garden variety Nihilist who’s looking–though not too hard–for nothing more than a temporary distraction from the paralyzing emptiness of it all.

Just remember, if she arrives at your place with a rodent on a chain and demands to know where the money is, just get the hell out there.  Kinky stuff is not about to happen, and she may try to pee on the rug.

 

 

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Valentine’s Day Gifts

Beginning with full disclosure: historically speaking, I’ve always failed at this one–at least, that’s the attitude I take into it.  Some guys are assorted-color-alstroemeria-flowers-wholesale-flowers-globalrose zangling for surprise, acrobatic sexual compensation for their Valentine’s triumphs, but I’m just holding my breath and hoping for an indifferent shrug, or anything that is not patently disappointed.  How many Valentines minds have I blown in my lifetime?  Exactly none.  None minds.  I am fortunate, however –my wife likes flowers a lot, so I can’t really go wrong there, and despite all rhyme and reason she likes me, so flowers and a night out generally suffices–but I still crave that sudden moment of Valentine’s Day inspiration that would leave her shell-shocked, possibly struggling to remember to breathe and, should dreams really come true, in a partial state of undress.images  I keep wracking my brain, but I get nuthin.

N-U-T-H-I-N.  Unless….

I’m not counting my chickens before my eggs hatch, nor counting eggs before the chickens even lay them, but there is hope.  CBS News did a poll that provides some insight into making at least a “satisfactory” gesture this year.

Click to access CBS_News_Poll_Jan2014b_ValentinesDay.pdf

Lingerie_model_smoking_in_an_office_3d02388uWhat am I up to this year?  Since my wife has been know to scroll around here, I’d better not say.  One thing I’ll assure you: it’s not lingerie, which came in just above “flu shot” at 8%, although I think CBS got it wrong with the lingerie thing: lingerie isn’t for the ladies.  They may be the ones who wear it, but that stuff is for us.  There’s a chance you could pull this off if you’re, say, under 25 and your girl favors anal floss g-strings, but don’t trying bringing garters and hose home to the Mrs.  She won’t appreciate it.  Better to do some housework–something really obvious–and stop by the candy store, or “chocolaterie” if you must.  Hell, a shell pack of mexican strawberries and a can of Hershey’s syrup gives you a better chance than Frederick’s.  Unless your girl is a prostitute–and even then, what she really wants is probably a night off, and maybe Richard Gere--not some self-serving synthetic silk underwear from a transparent plotter like you.  Don’t get me wrong–there may be a time and a place, some cold boring night in January, maybe–it’s just not Valentine’s Day.

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Found On Back of Grocery List

ice-out-cool-cube
This is the kind of ice cube she’s talking about.

Have you ever gone to the grocery store and found a previous shopper’s abandoned or lost shopping list?  I have to admit that I’ve picked one up from the floor more than once–it’s an interesting look into the lives of strangers.  It happened today that I found a list in the cart at our local Aldi store.  On one side of the 4X6″ note card torn in half, on sort of a diagonal, and written in pencil, was a pretty standard list–milk, eggs, cheese, etc.  On the back side, in what I like to call “catholic school cursive,” rendered perfectly, in red ink, is the following list.

I’m deadly curious about the torn away parts, but a little mystery is good, right?

Spanking, Get Tied Up, Give Direction, Ice Cubes
#1 Lick your partner’s ears.
#2 Spank, squeeze and pinch your partner’s butt.
#3 Place an eye cube (sic) on the girl’s navel until it melts. The girl can’t use her hands to place it. The guy can only use his lips to keep the cube in place *it’s a lot harder to ice cube in place when it starts to melt or the girl starts to feel cold*.
#4 Pass a candy to your partner using just the lips / unwrap…
lips.  Smarties?
#5 Kiss each other for a whole minute.
#6 Give your boyfriend a lap dance.
#7 One partner lies down. The other…
the laying partner’s body including…
#8 Unhook your girlfriend’s bra…
#9 Lift your girlfriend’s shirt up…
just your teeth.
#10 Stroke yo…
#11 Eat a mel…
#12 Give y…
#13 F…

drink-kool-aid
You may not want to accidentally substitute this kind of Ice Cube. Or….