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Narrative/Journal

I’ve Missed You Too–But Not That Much: Baking Cookies With Mom

A few years back....
A few years back….

Notice my spotty attendance here on my own blog, and in the “like” and “comment” sections of blogs I normally read?  Well, I’ve missed you too–but not that much.

I haven’t missed you because I’ve spent three of the past four days in a warm kitchen with my strange 72-year old mom baking Christmas cookies and talking and driving each other a little crazy, in no small part due to the half pound of coffee beans we’ve exploited in the name of powering this annual venture.  But hey, I’m baking cookies with my mom, the way she used to bake cookies with her mom.  And I’m man enough to brag about it.

The caveat: this woman is frustrating in so many ways I can’t detail here lest I destroy her reputation, and none of those things really matter because she’s also quite possibly the nicest person I know.  What maddens me is the reflection of my own faults that I see amplified in her–everything I would list on a New Year’s Resolution countdown is right there in her eyes, a syndrome I suspect is not unique to my family.  On the other hand, it could be that she’s pretty much all I’ve got–my family tree has been whittled down by divorce, attrition and complacency to the point where the biggest venue we’d need for a reunion is the corner booth at Denny’s.  (Do they still have those?)  Aside from mom, with the exception of one cousin, sentiment for me in that branch of the family ranges from smug indifferent to open hostility.

That sounds like whining, but I’m a big boy, I tried my best, and it’s no small mystery that I tend to be an acquired taste–like drinking cheap vodka: there’s some painful burning at the beginning, a few laughs in the middle, but ultimately you wake up sick. At least I have a paradigm.  Some guys can only dream….

But cookies.  My mom can’t cook for shit.  Sounds crude, but it’s the best way to say it.  As I’ve written here recently, I was well into college before I realized that roast beef isn’t supposed to be ghostly grey, or that most recipes don’t start with the phrase “First brown a pound of ground beef…” or that vegetables don’t mostly come from aluminum cans.  She learned everything she knows from her mother, but the both of them could sure as hell make some tasty cookies.  These weren’t fancy cookies, mind you, but nor were they the sort of self-consciously “colonial” bland molasses and raisin-filled shit you’d expect from folks who so stubbornly clung to their damp, English Methodist culinary flagellation.  No family in the history of the world has fetishized bad food like ours.

Except at the holidays, those few times of the year when they gave a damn; and that’s the key point: when they gave a damn.  It is the fault of my mother, and her mother before her, that I am a Christmas zealot, in turn weepy-eyed and jubilant over the “most wonderful time of the year.”

We made at least 10 dozen of multiple recipes including tollhouse, sugar cookies (both sugared and frosted), thumbprint cookies stuffed with frosting or jelly, snickerdoodles, peanut butter blossoms, peanut butter cup tarts.  So yeah, hundreds of cookies. At this point, we’ve consumed almost 20 pounds of flour, 12 pounds of butter, several pounds each of brown and granulated sugar, six ounces of vanilla, about 40 eggs.  Still, it’s not really about what we produced.

We spent a lot of time waiting for the stove to catch up to our cooking, but I got to hear all her best stories and–surprise–some new content while we were throwing back java and listening to the blaring Christmas Music.  It’s the thing we do–I mix, she cuts, shapes, or rolls, then I sugar or decorate. We talk.

I must admit that when I first started doing this, I was thinking she was an easy mark to exploit for labor–she’ll roll out and cut sugar cookie dough all day long,  like a harvester racing an approaching rain. Over the years, it’s become more about the time together, but not because she’s doing anything different.  At Christmas, I am patient enough, welcoming enough, to accept her, which is a good thing because, kharma-wise, I’m going to need ten times the patience from my children some day.

 

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link Photo I Like sheer awesomeness

My Parents Were Awesome (Well, not my parents, but…)

Here’s a Found Summer Photo I can actually source.  I lifted it from a cool as cucumbers tumblr page called My Parents Were Awesome.  Sadly, my parents were not awesome–they took us on vacation in October because the crowds were shorter–visiting every restored Colonial Village from Saint Augustine (we had time to tour the fort, but not to actually step on the beach–mom hated sand) to Black Creek Village, Ontario.  I’ve seen more women in bonnets demonstrating spinning wheels than I care to admit.  Maybe the couple below would adopt me.

http://myparentswereawesome.tumblr.com/
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Commentary Uncategorized

The Inherent Dangers of Elf on the Shelf

JunkChuck
December 16, 2013 at 4:46 am

This is one of the weirdest things of which I’ve heard in a long time. It sounds crazy, but maybe it’s better to demand good and respectful all year round instead of having to bear down on that “he sees you when you’re sleeping” BS–and the idea that an inanimate elf springs to life at night and–it’s just too damned Chucky for me.

ChuckyDoll

Everything is Better Wrapped in Bacon

If you’re like me, then the holidays are a time of elaborate decoration, gift-giving and the hidden look of disappointment in your parents’ eyes as they come to terms with another season that you’ve stood by your decision not to have children. Luckily for my parents, my younger sister has two little boys that love Christmas! My parents adore them and my sister and her husband are heavily involved in their lives and forming nostalgic memories for them to look back fondly on.  One of the “traditions” that my sister introduced is the Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition.

For those of you who aren’t in the know as I was not, Elf on the Shelf is a posable elf doll and accompanying book that outlines what this little elf means for the children of the house. The book goes on to tell the children to whom it is…

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