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The Homecoming Queen’s Got A Gun

The coming weekend will mark Homecoming celebrations in our community–a football game, the crowning of a king and queen, corsages and whatever those guy-corsage things that get pinned to lapels are called, kids dressing up and dancing and memories of –good god, it’s 30 years. Ugh. I wore a wool sweater under a brown wool herringbone jacket because I thought it would be better than a tie, and I nearly died from overheating.

m_julie_brown_homecoming_queenThose memories–really the only details I can recall from that night–bring to mind an old Julie Brown comedy song called “The Homecoming Queen’s Got A Gun”–a tale of a possibly PMS-ridden beauty turned sniper that was hilarious in 1984, when the idea of a kid taking a gun to school and rampaging was so absurd it was funny–not the least because it was a parody of the teen-angst songs our parents listened to.

It ain’t so funny now, and that’s a real shame.  I know how each generation thinks that things started going all to hell the moment they “age out” of a stage in life, but us Gen X’ers are truly living the dream–we’re the ones.  Who would have thought, when Coupland wrote his book, that it was the pinnacle?

You know you’re old when you can look at such a huge cultural change and think of one’s youth as “simpler times” when all we had to worry about was Reaganomics and the hovering threat of impending worldwide thermonuclear war. Sigh.

 

It was Homecoming Night at my high school
Everyone was there, it was totally cool
I was real excited, I almost wet my jeans
‘Cause my best friend Debbie was Homecoming Queen
She looked so pretty in pink chiffon. (Chiffon)
Riding the float with her tiara on. (Tiara on)
Holding this humongous bouquet in her hand. (Bouquet)
She looked straight out of Disneyland!
You know that Cinderella ride
I mean definitely an E-ticket. (E-ticket)
The crowd was cheering, everyone was stoked
I mean it was like the whole school was totally coked or something.
The band was playing ‘Evergreen’
Then all of a sudden, somebody screamed:
Look out! The Homecoming Queen’s got a GUN!!!

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen’s got a gun!
Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen has got a gun!
Debbie’s smiling, and waving her gun
Picking off cheerleaders one by one
Oh! Buffy’s pom poms just blew to bits
Oh no, Misty’s head just did the splits!
My best friend is on a shooting spree
Stop it, Debbie, you’re embarrassing me!
How could you do what you just did
Are you having a really bad period?

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen’s got a gun!
Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen has got a gun!
Stop it, Debbie, you’re making a mess
Powder burns all over your dress
An hour later, ,the cops had arrived
By then the entire glee club had died – no big loss
You wouldn’t believe what they brought to stop
Tear gas, machine guns… even a chopper!
Throw down your gun and tiara and come out of that float!
Debbie didn’t listen to what the cop said,
She aimed and fired, and now the math teacher’s dead!
Oh, it’s really sad, but kinda of a relief,
I mean we had this big test coming up next week…

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen’s got a gun!
Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen has got a gun!
Debbie’s really having a blast!
She’s wasted half of the class!
The cops fired a warning shot and she dove off that float.
I tried to scream Duck! but it stuck in my throat.
She hit the ground and did a flip; it was real acrobatic.
But I was crying so hard, I couldn’t work my Instamatic.
I ran down to Debbie, I had to find out.
What made her do it, why’d she freak out?
I saw the bullet had got her right in the ear.
I knew then… the end was near.

So I ran down and said in her good ear.
Debbie, why’d you do it?
She raised her head and smiled and said.
I did it for Johnny.
Johnny, well like whose Johnny? Answer me Debbie whose Johnny.
Does anybody here named Johnny?
Are you Johnny? There was one guy named Johnny.
But he was a total geek. He always had food in his braces.
Answer me Debbie whose Johnny.
Oh God this is like that movie Citizen King
You know where you later find out Rosemary was a slut
But we’ll never know who Johnny is because like she’s dead

Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen’s got a gun!
Everybody run, the Homecoming Queen has got a
Everybody run
Everybody run the Homecoming Queen’s got a”

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Quotes From The Dark Side: Ronald Reagan

Sometimes the Dark Side and the Dumb Side co-exist in the same space, like reagan2alternative universes.

“Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.”
~ Ronald Reagan

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The President Needs a Make-Over

While I was devoting considerable energies into not nodding off during the State of The Union Address last night, Mrs. Junk remarked on how odd it was to see President Obama’s suddenly graying hair.  As a guy who has seen Obama Grayhis own hair take a sudden flight towards white–I’ll be in Santa country by the time I’m 55–I have to say he carries it well.  He’s a handsome guy, after all, and he’s got a lot on his mind.  Not only that, he’s certainly in good company. Until my own hair changed from brown to salt & pepper to–uh–just plain salty (like my personality, I guess), I have to admit that I suspected s conspiracy of Presidents.  As candidates, it goes to figure, Clinton Graypotential leaders want to appear youthful, energetic, virile, powerful and vigorous; so it goes without saying that coloring one’s hair is a simple part of a campaign not unlike wearing good suits and attractive ties.  Once in office, however, the cultivated image of choice shifts to one of wisdom, maturity, and leadership–candidates are cast as agents of change, but Presidents are leaders.  The are diplomats who set the tone for george-w-bush-58e91e6f1fa9866bnational discourse and international relations.  Even the simplest of men, those who bore leadership as if it was no greater burden than a sack of children’s toys, have aged under the weight of responsibility and the pressure of constant scrutiny.  Was I wrong to suspect that Presidents in office intentionally let their hair go gray?  That some possibly even hasten the process via artificial means?  I suspect I’m on to something–but I also think that these guys are missing the boat.  Ronald Reagan, that canny old player, appeared to RonaldReaganmoisten his hair with waxy black shoe polish right up to his last days in office, even as he muttered “I do not recall” to inquiry after inquiry into the despicable conduct that took place on his watch–and people loved him for it.  Why did folks love Reagan?  Not because he denied any problems America faced with the same fervor he denied knowledge of the FonzIran-Contra Arms For Hostages deals, and not because he reminded many of us of our doddering old grandfathers.  Reagan was beloved because he had the same hair as The Fonz.  When Reagan was elected, who was the reigning cultural icon?  It Arthur “Fonzi” Fonzarelli.  When Reagan won reelection in 1984, American was sadly saying goodbye to that same shark-jumping icon when a wave of nostalgia carried the incumbent back for another four-year term.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

So, clearly what President Obama needs is a celebrity make-over, and the perfect celebrity has never been more clear–we need someone who is highly intelligent and articulate, someone who works as hard as Obama, and we need someone cool–if the truth is to be told, Obama needs a little help here: he’s a bit of a policy geek, and those cigarettes don’t make him seem any cooler, despite what years of Marlboro ads have said to the contrary. He gets points for playing basketball, but not enough to compensate for his wonkishness.  On the subject of his rumored, rabid fanaticism for Star Trek I plead the fifth amendment and the right to not risk self-incrimination.

I’ve found a guy who is smart, articulate, wildly talented, supremely hard-working, and unquestionably cool.  His name is ?uestLove and President Obama should assume his style immediately. questlove

Screen_shot_2010-11-15_at_9.08.26_PM
“Hey, Questlove–I need an update–who’s your stylist?”

Not only would it be a serious upgrade in terms of both style and cool, but there would be added tactical advantages in dealing with the primarily southern, lilly-white conservative seed at the heart of Republican stubbornness, for example–that tall and proud hair is going to scare the bejesus out the closet crackers who let their backwardsassed racism foul progress.  On the international circuit, do we really think a bully like Vladamir “Mad Vlad” Putin is going to give a giant like Questlove–easily 7 feet tall with the hair factored in–and backtalk whatsoever?  I don’t think so–and Obama is another tall guy, so all he needs to do it thicken up, add 150 pounds, and voila….

If I was any good at computer graphics, I’d mock up a cut and paste job of Questlove’s hair on Obama, but I’m afraid we’re just going to have to wait for the inevitable since, now that I’ve loosed this cat from it’s sack, there’s no way this isn’t going to happen.  In the mean time, please enjoy the video link.