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Comedians Endorse “Any And All” Republicans For Pres.

republicanIn direct opposition to stereotypes of the “Liberal Hollywood Elite” voting en masse for Democratic candidates, members of several comedy and theater unions, including The National Association of Comedians and the powerful Screen Actors Guild have take the unusual position of endorsing every 2015 Republican candidate for the US Presidency

“It takes a lot of money to garner the influence of a political campaign,” comedy spokesperson Al Kikurass explained, following self-styled tycoon and ceaseless self-promoter Donald Trump’s announcement that he,  too, will join an already crowded field of candidates. “We’re hoping to take a collective approach by embracing the entire field so no matter who wins, we win with them.”

In a hastily organized press conference held at the struggling Harrah’s Casino in Atlantic City, MD, Kikurass explained the comedic strategy.  “Hillary is practically a sure thing;  but she’s not funny. Not one bit. She’d be good in the sense that she isn’t likely to repeal the Affordable Care Act, nor turn Saturday, the most important night of the week for comedians, into a second, solemn day of Christian Worship.  Unfortunately, she’d do nothing to otherwise sustain our industry. If we’re lucky, maybe she falls down, like Gerald Ford, or maybe her husband has another affair, but there’s no guarantee. Bill Clinton isn’t getting any younger, and he’s had heart trouble.

“The Republican field, on the other hand, boasts another Bush brother as its most viable candidate–the one with the Cuban wife and the coke-addled daughter.” Kikurass explained.  “Beyond Bush, you’ve got Rubio, Cruz, Huckabee, and that’s not to mention the wildly popular (with comedians) Rick “Man On Dog” Santorum.  Santorum’s entry into the race was considered by many to be the most important moment in a comedic community that was rocked last year by Michelle Bachman.

“Losing Bachman was a blow,” Kikurass admitted. “Dress up in heels and a Lane Bryant suit, affect a Minne-SO-tah accent, go on stage, and mumble anything nonsensical–the crazier you sound, the more realistic the impression, and the louder the laughs.”

cpac-clown-car-gop-620x288“This is a gold mine,” Kikurass continued, barely holding back a smile. “Any single Republican is bound to mutter some deeply offensive, half-witted bomb–like calling LeBron James a “good negro boy” or proclaiming that if female rape victims tap their heels together, squint really hard, and say Bill O’Reilly’s name backwards three times they won’t get pregnant.  Having a dozen of these guys–not to mention Carly Fiorino, who thinks the drought in the west is a liberal plot— shouting to be heard over each other will be an unprecedented font of comedic opportunity.”

Sources report that, following Santorum’s announcement a few weeks ago,  jubilant Saturday Night Live writers, realizing they won’t need to put any effort into opening monologues or the weekend update for at least the next eighteen months, had desolved so far into a dizzyingly libertine orgy of ivy league group sex revelry, bathing in a jacuzzi filled with warm, ironically and symbolically mediocre Iron City Beer shipped in from Santorum’s former hometown of Pittsburgh, PA.

602603_412811998786715_32205572_nTrump’s announcement, a spit-spraying tirade of condemnation, vitriol, and virtually incomprehensible mutterings, drew hundreds of comedians to Atlantic City, where the billionaire real estate mogul, television character, and hissyfit birther has been such a strong and sometimes divisive figure, where they smashed their way into abandoned casinos, dragging velour sofas and circular beds into the street as fuel for exultant bonfires around which celebrants danced long into the morning.

“Our goal is to organize support that works towards keeping all of these bumpkins, ignorant sociopaths, and proudly cynical opportunists in the race as long as possible.  With this particular slate of candidates, the opportunity exists to sustain comedy well into the winning candidates second tier.” Kikurass had explained.  “We’re even taking the unprecedented step of dispatching a diplomatic outreach team, led by Kathy Griffin, that Hot Pocket guy, and Boomhower from King of The Hill to former front runner Chris Christie and aspiring angry fascist and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker.”

 

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Rick Santorum Explores New Presidential Run

In honor of Rick Santorum’s potential run (yet again) for the White House, I offer my very favorite cut and paste tribute to the spasmodically homophobic zealot.  If this isn’t the best headline, maybe ever….

Seminal Santorum

Rick Santorum. If you know me, or read this blog often, you know I’m not a fan, and I haven’t been since well before he slithered onto the national stage after his vicious and duplicitous campaign against Harris Wofford for a senate seat twenty years ago.  It was an ugly, negative campaign–beyond negative, it was brutal and desperately misleading, and it paid off.  The upright, distinguished Wofford, whose achievements dated back to the Kennedy administration and included the establishment of the Peace Corps, refused to play tit for tat, sticking to his vow to campaign on the issues and refusing to shrink to the level of Santorum’s shrill and angry personal attacks.  When Santorum ultimately won, his campaign staff scheduled a celebration the day after the election–in the lobby of the office building where Wofford’s campaign headquarters was located, forcing the Wofford’s staff to walk through catcalls and taunts in order to go home that afternoon.  It was outrageous, and it’s not anecdotal–I was there in the Federated Tower in downtown Pittsburgh that November afternoon in 1994.  I’ve despised the guy–not only for his politics, but for his angry, hysterical persona.  When he compared homosexuality to bestiality I wasn’t surprised, nor was I surprised when a reporter discovered that after his election Santorum moved his entire family to suburban Virginia, hiding the fact from the school district where he’d lived in Pennsylvania so they would keep paying cyber school tuition for his children.  Yep, this was the same Santorum who worked himself up to a lather denigrating single mothers who received benefits, and who desperately wanted to cut off social security benefits to folks under the age of 70, conning the system.  Nobody familiar with him was surprised.

I was thrilled to learn he’d be running again–he’s unelectable, of course, and his backers support him primarily as a tool through which the debates for the republican primary may be swayed to the right–because he’s a car crash waiting to happen every time he steps in front of a microphone, a stereotype of of thew swarmy, insincere politician conning his core constituency (white, racist, homophobic, teabagger christians) by playing to their fears and hatreds. If you’ve ever seen the brilliant political satire “Bob Roberts,” you’ll recognize a lot of Santorum as a living, breathing example of the disingenuous, cynical, power-mad con-man/politician whose willingness to crawl in the darkest, dankest mud and slime and shit in order to grab a taste of power.

More later.  (I have to go spend the day shopping for prom gowns.  Really.)