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Commentary Funny and/or Strange

Am I The Only Person Who Reads My “Spam” Comments and Believes Them?

I looked at my filtered comments today, just to make sure I wasn’t missing any interactions–unlikely since I’ve been occupied elsewhere of late, and spamthe Old Road Apples have turned spoiled and squishy. I did not expect to find a wonderfully supportive and sustaining environment in and amongst the Spam, and I recommend that all of your when you’re feeling worried and down, forget going downtown or crossing a bridge over troubled water. Read your spam!  Here is a just a selection from the first few….

1. “Just want to say your article is as amazing. The clarity in your post is simply nice and i can assume you are an expert on this subject.” This and the others below are all in reference to a post called “Bonus Picture: Bikini Ski Girl”

2. “This post could not be written much better! Looking at this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept talking about this.” In reference to a post called “Organic Roadkill.”

3. “I don’t know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you are not already”

4. “Whoa this blog is magnificent i really like studying your posts. Keep up the good work!”

etc.

When I was a a kid my mom told me I was handsome quite a bit, and I never doubted that. When girls I liked didn’t like me, I thought: I don’t get it, I’m so handsome. When they were mean, I thought: I can can learn to be cooler, at least I’m so damned handsome. You can see where this was going–until one day, I was about 15, and I’m staring in the mirror, and it hits me. “Mom!” I shouted. “What the fucking fuck?” Turns out I’m not the leading man, I’m the overweight partner in the Sears Roebuck sportcoat, due to retire in a week who gets gunned down in the first act. But those spammers, they think I’m goddamn F. Scott Fitzgerald. I love spammers.

Categories
Funny and/or Strange

Spammers Misfire + Junk Mail Dating Advice

During my recent period of distraction, the official Junk Chuck email inbox ballooned to  3700 messages, and that is not counting the lonely Russian women, offers of lasik surgery 8f43d8876170cec2eb1907c4045c676cand penis enhancement messages (Coincidence? I don’t think so–clearly Olga and Svetlana have some unreasonable expectations from an old, married man–but I’m not sure how the lasik fits in). The Russian Sweetheart to the left is, I am told, wildly eager for me to come to Russia and marry her.  My wife says, “we could use another wife, someone to run the vacuum and do the dishes.”

I’ve also been getting a lot of junk mail with question marks in the addresses and subject lines, like this…

� View � Photos Of CHRlSTlAN SlNGLES In � Your Area

Because, um, that tricks me into thinking it’s a legitimate message that deserves rescue from the email graveyard.  I mean, “christian singles?” Take my advice–I’ve never strayed, but if I was going to start I sure as hell (that’s irony I intentionally put there, please smirk just a little) wouldn’t be jamming on Christian Singles.  Not even HOT CHRISTIAN SINGLES.  For good, indiscriminate sex, you ought to be looking for someone who’s damn sure we only get one trip around before the grand leap into the great void, and Succubus_(folklore)wants to squeeze every bit of lemonaide from the lemons, so to speak, and not a person fixated on eternal bliss and yada yada salvation and whose secret fantasy is verbal flogging at the hand of Cotton Mather.  You’ll be much happier arranging for a clandestine hookup with MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE ATHEIST SUCCUBUS CERTAIN THERE’S NOTHING MORE THAN THIS!  Of course, those Apocalypse Is Nigh, doom-obsessed, Kirsten-800x1066frothing-mouthed Armageddon Princesses or Princes might be ripe for a last grasp at original sin, but I’d be careful.  The cult thing is a big turn-off.  You’d probably be more happy with a garden variety Nihilist who’s looking–though not too hard–for nothing more than a temporary distraction from the paralyzing emptiness of it all.

Just remember, if she arrives at your place with a rodent on a chain and demands to know where the money is, just get the hell out there.  Kinky stuff is not about to happen, and she may try to pee on the rug.