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How Jennifer Aniston Stays So Young

2a5c20ce554f6ca05161973f8ec6e98fMy teenaged daughters recently discovered old episodes of Friends on Netflix, and while imposing myself on some of their recreational time recently I noticed that Jennifer Aniston has not only maintained her youthful appearance, she is arguably even hotter Aniston-in her 40s than she was in her late twenties. In those old episodes she was cute, but she’s transcended that to the rarefied level of scorching magnificence while somehow maintaining a girl next door sort of casual appeal.  It’s a wonder, given that dynamic, that stalkers don’t surround her castle like the suitors of Penelope at Ithaca.

At first I thought is was just me, and my own aging perspective–the young girl thing doesn’t really rock me any more, aside from a general acknowledgement of aesthetic appeal. College girls–and the flock of young, indistinguishable from each other, hollywood starlits flooding television and mainstream movies– look like children to me, not just out of my league but, you know, eeeeeewwww creepy young. Criminally young. But someone like Tea Leoni? Woff, woof. Or Sheryl Crow, Julianne Moore, Diane Lane?  Those are proper subjects for unrequited lust  of respect and admiration. I’ve never really thought of Aniston as a sex symbol or, as Websters’ calls it, a “smokin’ hottie,” but my childrens’ discovery of her forced me to re-evaluate.

This Aniston, however, is–or was–a bit of a conundrum. Can clean living do all that? Was there medical intervention?  An inspection of Aniston’s close friend and fellow Friends alum Courtney Cox, reveals that the answer is no: Courtney looks great, but we can see right through that shit.)  There can only be one solution: cannibalistic filicide.

7174b1b0-a54f-11e4-bb39-1bed1b48d746_Jennifer-Aniston-SAG-AwardsAccording to the tabloids at which I’ve been gawking while in line at the grocery store over the past 20 years, Ms. Aniston has pretty much been constantly pregnant for most of my adult life.

Twenty years of pregnancy means at least 18 babies, presuming a quick turnaround following a typical 40-week pregnancy and a bare minimum 4 month recovery time, and not factoring in the many sets of twins she has been rumored to have conceived.  And yet, we’ve heard no rumors of either termination nor miscarriage, but…

NO BABIES.

Could Jennifer Aniston have the most tragic reproductive history in the entire…um…ever?  Given the volume and intensity of new coverage she’s historically generated, I suspect we’d hear about it, loudly, were it true. So the only solution is:

Jennifer Aniston becomes impregnated by some of Hollywood’s most vibrant stars, carries their children, and upon delivering these children under top secret conditions, she eats her young, consuming not only their vibrancy but their very souls.  It’s the only viable solution.

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Personality Test: Zombie or Grizzly

zombieMake your decision before you read my story below.  Now, suspend your disbelief: there are two doors in front of you, both of which open from the outside only. Once you step through, there is no going back. You cannot stay where you are.  Behind one of the doors is a thousand pound grizzly.  Behind the other door is a flesh-eating zombie.  Which do  you choose.  Answer and explain in the comments section.

The first time I saw a Grizzly it was across a long vista of rolling grassland and meadow–it was loping along, covering a lot of ground, traveling perpendicular to me.  I instinctively alg-grizzly-bear-jpgfroze, glanced at the treeline for something to climb–just looking at that beast, probably 800 pounds of horror, running like an athlete, sent my heart racing, my adrenal gland pumping, the little hairs on my arms and the back of my neck bristling. The thing was easily a thousand yards in the distance–although, at the 35 mph a Grizz can romp, I’d have 20 seconds, give or take, if the wind changed.  Later, I would reflect on the immediate, profound fear response and wonder if my subconscious sense of caution was that strong, or if I was experiencing something more profound, literal instinct. Genetic memory.

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The Saturday Snow White Variations: She’s Baaaaaack

6a00e54efdf11288330192aa923604970dI’m surprised there’s no real discussion about Snow White’s magical revival–where exactly was the magic?  It’s implied that she’s been put “under a spell” but the weapon wasn’t a “magic apple” but a “poison apple.’  The Dwarfs–Sleepy, Grouchy, Hungry, Horny, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur and Thorin Oakenshield–clearly thought she was dead, or they wouldn’t have laid her 73e5f40fc8da6e0ca1ec52cac5bf384fout in that nifty glass coffin that keeps all the forest creatures from gnawing on her surprisingly supple flesh–but doesn’t keep Young Prince Necrophile from snagging a little sugar from her moldering corpse.  Gives you something to think about, eh?

Forgetting that unfortunate perversion theme, we must wonder: the magic was in the kiss?  What am I forgetting?  Why does she wake up?  Why did she, um, remain so, er, fresh. Doesn’t really matter, because the point is–and we’re all in agreement, yes?–that she was dead.  And then, not so much.  A man has to wonder: is “not dead” always the same as alive, or….

Maybe she was exposed to a huge dose of Gamma Rays at the exact time she bit into the apple?

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I know, it’s unlikely–but a guy can hope, right?  The alternative is just too disturbing to ponder.

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I’m not talking about a mere deal with the devil, although that would do.

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http://imgur.com/gallery/6nEdsen

 

 

 

 

But something more…unnatural.

zombie_snow_white_by_astariajayne-d5iklft
http://astariajayne.deviantart.com/art/Zombie-Snow-White-333524873
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http://imgur.com/gallery/6nEdsen
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http://hegeekshegeek.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/snow-white-cosplay/

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In The Garden: Zombie Gnomes!

il_570xN.511178647_japhLet this be a warning–it’s getting to be garden season, my yard is a disaster area of broken stuff, half-finished projects from last year, fallen stuff, stuff that got crushed by fallen stuff, an old fiberglass truck cap, some seriously maintenance-ready cold frames, and one highly abused trampoline that has really and truly seen better days.

Can you say “Appalachian trailer park?”  I thought you could.

Right now, my driveway is partially occupied by a large installation art piece–a sculpture, really–on the turn-of-the-century awakening of the American automobile industry and it’s attempts to re-imagine and recover il_570xN.437896182_gw8sit’s international relevance, both pre- and post-9/11 petroleum inflation.  It’s a compelling piece, though somewhat worn and weathered.

(On a related note, if anyone is interested in a 1998 Buick LeSabre with 170,000 miles–auto-adjusting rear suspension is shot, muffler bracket is broken from frame, and it needs either front brakes or bearings.  It used to be fast–it swings the big 3.8L six–still has leather seats….just saying.  But I digress….)

I might consider a trade for one of these…

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Badass, right?  Well, don’t tell me.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/76640755/zombie-gnomes-bye-bye-birdie

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What About “The Quick and The Dead?”

The second of two strange cemetery/signage combinations we stumbled upon on vacation this summer. We concluded that this is a Zombie reference, and quickly moved on. Zombies may play slow, but what they lack in speed they more than compensate for with persistence.