Tis and Twas

I’ve got a pet peeve of the moment: people who say “tis” and “twas,” and who use the word “shall” gratuitously.

Unless it is the night before Christmas, there is no call for ’twas, ever and “shall” sounds like you’re an uptight codger–like Granny on  Downton Abbey–and “tis?”  What the hell is that about?  Are you telling me that is is the season to be jolly?  I did not think that you were.

Consider this:

• It is a new millennium–we’re more than decade in, in fact.  We have have iron horses and indoor plumbing and electricity and everything.  Hell’s bells, we’ve got magical talking wrist watches and space robots that take really cool picture of Pluto.
• There is no such thing as Dragons.  There, I said it. I know it hurts, but put down your 50-sided die, drop damsel hat with the gauzy fabric sticking out the top, and join us in the world.
• And while I’ve got your attention: a few less cats would be a good thing–your house smells like ammonia and the county fair, ’tis true.
• The word of the day is “Anachronism.” Learn it, know it.
• There is nothing noble about being a virgin, unless you’re sixteen.
• Or seventeen, or eighteen, or my daughter.
• Jousting will never be an Olympic sport, no matter how cool that would be. Now, that highland thing where you toss a telephone pole….