Why “Spank The Monkey” When You Get The Monkey For…

Loris_lydekkerianus_nordicus_003

In Oregon, a man was recently arrested for paying a hooker with money from a stolen Girl Scouts fundraising jar in his pet store, then tipping the industrious Professional Intimacy Facilitator with a exotic primate. Because nothing says “lets do it again sometime” like a creepy little exotic mammal.If I were the girl, I would have held out for some contraband Thin Mints.

God bless America.

https://www.eugene-or.gov/CivicAlerts.aspx?AID=2440

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/04/24/man-paid-prostitute-with-charity-money-and-primate-police-say.html

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Stopping By The Woods On A Snowy Evening – By Donald J Trump

Too funny.

The Rotting Post

trump

I have a pretty good idea whose woods these are, believe me.
And let me tell you something, my people say he’s a complete nobody.
This guy lives in the village.   So what if he sees me stopping here?
I dare him to sue me!   I dare him!

And by the way, this snow is pathetic.
These are by far, the least downy flakes ever!

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Monster Gator Caught In Florida

Did everyone see the size of the alligator that was recently killed in Florida–estimated at 15′ long and over 700 lbs, it’s shown at the bottom of the page. That’s just…Nope.

It’s like this:

Scary.
grizzly

Real Scary.
shark-intelligence-2a-550x350

Nope.
outwest_farms_alligator2_1459881326461_35552319_ver1.0_640_480

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North Koreans, Pissed At Chuck, Launch Bomb Strikes

I guess I’ve pushed it to far, making fun of North Korea. They’re coming for me, with everything they have.  Meanwhile, in the bowels of hell, the old madman is laughing, and I’m just stuck here warily watching the skies.

DPRNK

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Monday/Memeday: Noisy, Hungry Frogs

A real headline from the Minneapolis Journal, circa 19066.  Tell me this isn’t the most awesome thing you’ve read in a while…I dare you.

Minneapolis Journal 1906

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Chaffetz, Weiner, Love Ewe–Bestial Friends Forever

Many moons ago, upon the occasion of that most holy of holiest (not to mention drunkenist) nights, Christmas In August, I gifted my old friend and mentor Perry with an inflatable lamb–THE LOVE EWE.  Intended as a joke, she proved to be quite a hit at animated-sheephunting camp. As they say in Wyoming, “welcome to Wyoming, where the men are men and the sheep are scared.  Ahem.

Perry’s well-considered gift to me was a nice, gift-wrapped fifth of George Dickel, my tonic of choice at the time, and a straw. It was, at that point, perhaps the kindest and most generous gift I’d received in my life, and still ranks right up there, just beneath the homemade “I love you daddy” stuff my daughters have made over the years, and a collection of Guy de Maupassant’s short stories that my wife gave me, when we first started dating, for my birthday one year when my entire family–including my mom–had forgotten. I’m pleased to see that The Love Ewe is still hot to trot, with a hilarious website of her own.  I only wish that Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz and former New York Congressman (and lewd Twitter all-star) Anthony “Look at My” Weiner had summoned up the discretion to contact The Love Ewe, who is a professional after all, instead of taking out their pent up urge on unwitting amateur lambs, however compliant they might have seemed at the time.

anthony_weiner_attacked_by_goat

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Loonette Etcetera

If you have kids of a certain age, you’re probably familiar with things like Barney, Teletubbies, Caillou, Arthur, and some of the other PBS children’s staples from the early part of this century. The kids were always ambivalent about Barney, Teletubbies creeped all of us out (if you haven’t seen the Joy Division/Teletubbies mash-up, you should)–and how could they spill that goddamn tubby custard every damn episode? I sort of wished Caillou lived in the neighborhood, just to hope someday when the kids grew up my daughter could kick his sniveling, candied ass, but I like Arthur a lot–and not just because it’s got a lot of western PA references. I remain a big, big Binky fan–but no surprise there, right?
big comfy couch
There is one show, however, that the kids sometimes watched, that we all enjoyed, but which left me feeling vaguely uncomfortable and confused. I’m talking about The Big Comfy Couch–you know, “with Loonette and Molly, a clown and her dolly…?”  Want to know why? It’s no secret, and you already know I’m going to tell you .

At a certain time in each episode, Loonette would tell the time by laying down on this clock carpet on the floor and sort of, sexy clock writhingum, well, gyrate and contort herself into the hours of the day, as they served the plot. It was kind of sexy. I’m not saying that I got aroused, just that I noticed, that I recognized that I noticed, and it made me feel just a little uncomfortable. Okay, it made me feel just a little wrong. It was impossible to tell how old this clown was–and she did have a dolly. Was there something wrong with me? Something dark?

279881You can imagine my relief when I looked at this feature–clicked on a link that led to another link and so on–from Cracked magazine (which has a big web presence, who knew?) titled “If Every Kid’s Show Got a Gritty Live-Action Re-Boot”. They’d had a contest, and among the winners–number 6, in fact–was a fresh, contemporary start for Loonette. I had to smile: it wasn’t just me!

Better still, in searching for the images I used above, I found out that not only does Alyson Court, the actress who played Loonette, have a pretty cool twitter, she’s not all that much younger than me–and she’s actually pretty hot. A lot hot, actually.  So cool and hot–which means that not only am I not a pervert, I’ve got the amazing ability to see through the clownish exterior to the witty, striking, woman beneath the make-up. It’s like BQmAwurCAAIYWaOa super-power, maybe even the hetero equivalent of Gaydar–which, of course, begs the question: why waste it on a broken down old married guy like me?  Nature works in strange, mysterious, and random ways, I guess.

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