HIPSTER GOD–Beards are Best

I’ve been enjoying the current prominence of hipsters–I say prominence in respect to the temptation to write “fad” or “trend” because, unlike a lot Hipster%20beard.jpegof trends, hipsters are not so broadly defined, and much like polygamists and Seattle Seahawks fans they’re always out there, we’re just not used to seeing them in full plumage.  I like hipsters because the most fashionable of them wear great hats and the absolute best vintage suits–but mostly I like them for the beards.  And, of course, I’m a HIPSTER GOD because I’ve been rocking the whole fuzzy beard thing since, oh, 1986.  I’m enjoying the company

photoGrizzlyAdams

Grizzly Adams had a beard. And a Grizzly.

I’m not bragging.  It’s been lonely.  For nearly three decades I’ve lived beneath the tyranny of the baby-faced, listening to peach-faced corporate functionaries drone on about “looking professional” and hearing the sad, fetishisticly fastidious pontificate the virtues of being “clean cut” as if that sort of shorn cleanliness has anything to do with manliness–or if it’s any measure of cleanliness at all.  It’s certainly not next to godliness.  God had a beard.  I’ve seen pictures.

228740-20111004-140514-640x360

The Guy On A Buffalo has a beard, too. Can’t ride a buffalo without one. It’s a rule.

And here’s the thing: simpering suburban worker bees fear the beard, clinging to the notion that “good grooming” is in some way actually “good,” quietly judging–and only the most tremblingly weak may judge, but we judge too.  When I look into the eyes of a clean shaven man I assume, until proven differently, that man is not capable of summoning the testosterone necessary to build a better beard.  It’s unfair, but I’ve been ask too many times “what are you hiding.”  (Answer: my snide sneer.)

brad-pitt-beardBlessedly and quite suddenly, beards are in.  Bigtime.  Famous actors like Brad Pitt are rocking beards, and professional athletes like Brett Kiesel as well.

Brett Keisel

Click to enlarge–this is a GREAT picture of a great guy.

 

Of course, bad-ass rugby guys have been pulling full-bore facial fur for a long time now and nothing says testosterone like a sweaty, mud-covered rugby player.

Jason-Eaton article-2056335-0E1AC8DF00000578-143_468x662Josh-Strauss

The list goes on and on.  Bearded men are superior.  Check out these guys, these bearded bad-ass Pakistani heroes saving the day:

p17_24563813When men shave, they do so in shameful obeisance of an inner force that sings, day and night, of their inadequacy.  Ulysses S. Grant and William Tecumseh Sherman didn’t bother with razors.  Didn’t need to.

hagridHagrid had a beard.  So did GI Joe, Barbarossa, Leonidas, Robin Hood, The Allman Brothers, and all those Old Testament Dudes.  Even Jesus had a beard.  Jesus and Santa and Mr. Edwards on Little House on the Prairie.  Mr Edwards was the only redeeming quality of that steaming pile–him and Nellie Oleson, that bitch.

Paul-Bunyan-Babe-13or6ndYou want to know who had a beard, you really want me to say it? Paul Bunyan.  Paul Bunyan had an awesome beard–not to mention a blue ox.

You know who didn’t have a beard?

Peter Pan.  Think about that the next time you’re looking in the mirror. Peter Freaking Pan.peter

So, you know what, I’ll thrilled as apple pie that so many guys are sliding out from beneath the yoke of middle American homogeneity and daring to live like nature intended.  I’m happy to fit in, even if it means sacrificing a little bit of my uniqueness.  It’s not so bad, fitting in, when it’s society bending to match me, and I enjoy the company.  The brotherhood of beards–we don’t even need a secret handshake.  It’s like the turtleneck sweaters I love in the winter–when they come back around, style-wise, I’ll enjoy them while they last, store a few in the attic for the future, and look–for just a few, fleeting moments–like I actually give a shit what someone else (except my wife) thinks.

Of Interest:

http://sabotagetimes.com/life/an-open-letter-to-bearded-hipsters-stop-ruining-my-beard-fetish/

http://nypost.com/2014/02/25/hipster-wannabes-forking-over-thousands-for-facial-hair-transplants/

About JunkChuck

Native, Militant Westsylvanian (the first last best place), laborer, gardener, and literary hobbyist (if by literary you mean "hack"). I've had a bunch of different blogs, probably four, due to a recurring compulsion to start over. This incarnation owes to a desire to dredge up the best entries of the worst little book of hand-scrawled poems I could ever dream of writing, salvageable excerpts from fiction both in progress and long-abandoned. and a smattering of whatever the hell seems to fit at any particular moment. At first blush, I was here just to focus on old, terrible verse, but I reserve the right to include...anything. Maybe everything, certainly my love of pulp novels growing garlic, the Pittsburgh Steelers and howling at the moon--both figuratively and, on rare occasions, literally.
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20 Responses to HIPSTER GOD–Beards are Best

  1. Ishaiya says:

    You have amused me today, which honestly isn’t so difficult. But you’re right, beards a guud.

    Like

  2. sknicholls says:

    I grew up during the hippie days and lived for a brief while in a commune run by a Grizzly Adams type of guy. They all had long hair and beards. My husband of five years sports a beard, but he is more a seafarer type of guy. I’s all good. He had lamb chops when I first met him…had to work on that.

    Like

  3. Karen says:

    I’m still laughing! Peter Freaking Pan indeed!

    Like

  4. Like your humour, Junk Chuck, and your way of seeing.
    Thank you for following my blog.
    My best to you
    john

    Like

  5. leamuse says:

    I do enjoy a beard!
    Perhaps you will enjoy a bit of trivia? Barbe à papa or (papa’s beard) is the French name for Cotton Candy! Léa

    Like

  6. Peter Pan would look so silly with a beard! 😀

    Like

  7. Here’s to the sacred beard! I have to admit I’ve been clean-shaven for the past year, after nearly three decades with some variant of a moustache, goatee or full beard. Navy SEALs and other U.S. special forces are allowed to grow full beards while out on missions. We also haven’t had a president with facial hair since William Howard Taft – 100 years ago! We need a Chief Executive with one of those “Grizzly Adams”-style beards to lead America back to the promised land of ‘No Shit Accepted Here.’

    Like

  8. Great post! I laughed away! and I am sharing it on my Facebook page! You will bring laughter to many!

    Like

  9. natuurfreak says:

    It was a pleasure to read this post.Thanks fot visiting my blog

    Like

  10. susanissima says:

    Love your humor JC, and your fine vocabulary. Reading you is a bit like being in a candy shop. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

    Like

  11. bethteliho says:

    *bows in the presence of the bearded* And now you have earned a fan as well. Love everything about this post. Every. Word.
    You, my new friend, rock the Kasbah. (I have no idea what that means, but it sounded good)

    Also, good to know it’s a law to have a beard if you ride a buffalo. And Peter Pan has always annoyed me. Now I know why. 🙂

    Like

  12. Peter Pan *grinning*

    Like

  13. Ben Naga says:

    ENCUMBRANCE

    Some men like shaving
    Among them I never was
    Waste of precious time

    Like

  14. Pingback: Dishwasher Vindication | Old Road Apples

  15. H.M. Nolan says:

    you have Brad beat in the beard department, not Hagrid though (but who does) Good stuff.

    Like

  16. lilpickmeup says:

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the beard! 🙂

    Like

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